Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.
Steph Curry is a beta male. There I said it.
From his Werther’s Orignal line of wimbledon-ass shoes, to the fact that he’s more concerned about his new release of emojis than he is with stepping on his opponents throat, to the fact that he’s modeled his entire game to allow him to do the least amount of work while staying as far away from the bigger players as possible- Steph Curry is the perfect embodiment of the classic beta, which is why besides maybe this year and last year, he can never be a consistant winner in the NBA. Curry’s a textbook Chickenhawk who can only fight by firing lazy little long-range shots from halfway around the world and then makes the real Warriors go to battle at close range. The three point shot is basically the warfare equivilant of drafting up a use of force article and then wishing the troops good luck on their mission. He stays outside of range of enemy fire while his teamates suffer the consequences, and then takes all the glory for his teams success- a recipe that will surely wear thin on the boys with the boots on the ground. Curry is Helen of Troy and Draymond Green is Achilles. Curry has a jump shot that can start a million wars, but the ones who will end up paying the price are his more battle harded teammates like the heel. I’d like to see how Steph would handle himself in the shit. If Lebron tried to stepover Curry, Steph’s repsonse would of been to find the nearest adult or have his mom make a phone call to Delonte Wests house to talk with Mrs. James about her sons inappropriate behavior instead of settling it on the court like an alpha.
For a guy whose game is a glorified Dude Perfect video, Steph sure seems to have alot of fake swagger. People always talk about his great smile but in the wild showing your teeth in a smile is considered a sign of weakness. Curry cant stop flashing those pearly whites after every small victory, post-game interview, and even when he sees his wife he smiles- a textbook sign of submission to his more assertive mate Ayesha. Ayesha even makes him wear a mouth guard just so he can protect those teeth that she makes him show her to acknowledge his inferiorty. Real alphas like Tiger Woods and Ben Rothlisberger and me know that if you give a woman an inch, she’ll just ask how come there aren’t at least 5 more of them.
And then there’s the whole aspect of child care. A real Alpha like Kobe or AC Green would never bring their children to press conferences during their championship runs because their wives and girlfriends have been properly conditioned to know that a man needs to be focusing on his masculinity during times of battle. Did you ever see Chris Kyle bring one of his toddlers with him to Fallujah? Didn’t think so, because taking care of small children scientifically is proven to reduce testosterone emissions. And say what you want about Draymond Green but the NBA discipline committee would never accuse him of having low amounts of Ts. Curry on the other hand seems to be more comfortable with his daughter around because he’s so insecure that everyone thinks he’s never had sex. You know who else uses children as shields? Al Qaeda and Bashar Assad. Not good company to keep.
Its sad that society has come to the point where we worship athletes who would of been turned into a suit made out of there own skin if they played with real men like Bill Lambeer and Kermit Washington. But with the new age of milleneals, social media, and using iphone apps to gain relevence, it seems like even our biggest sports stars are stuck in beta.
On to the awards:
Road Grader of the Week: Danny Woodhead
What a tremendous father. Most mortals would hire someone to come over and put this thing together but not Danny. Woodhead strapped on his hard hat grabbed his tool-kit and built a backyard pardise for his kids. While Melvin Gordon is floating a lazy river, Danny’s packing his broken-tackle box for a fishing trip to labor lake.
10 Things I Know I Know
1. Von Miller is not happy with the Denver Broncos contract offer. During the team visit to the White House to visit Obama, Miller appears to have taken a picture of him with Peyton Manning, DeMarcus Ware, Gary Kubiak and John Elway. The original picture is on the left, as posted to Demarcus Wares Instantgram account. Miller reposted the image but did some selective editing.
First of all, if you want to include John Elways entire face in any picture you know you have to use the panoramic portrait orientation on your iphone so this could easily be explained away as being technologically illiterate due to his Texas A&M education. Also- lets look at the fact that any doctoring of a photo featuring two individuals who have been accused of taking PEDs should be considered tampering with potential evidence. Although you have to admit its nice to see Miller in the news for crops that don’t grow in his basement.
2. This ought to fix everything:
Hand fighting, or boxing as everyone else calls it is a great skill to teach you marginal d-linemen in the hopes that they might break your starting QBs jaw before he has the opportunty to cost you any games. Fitting that they teach Yoga since half of there fan base are downward facing dogs in the muni lot before kickoff even starts. Its a smart call for the Browns who appear to be mastering all of the marginal summer olympic sporst in hopes of getting a couple quick gold metals in before the season starts to build confidence.
4. This is by far the worst thing that any German leader has ever done
— Kristof Terreur (@HLNinEngeland) June 12, 2016
5. Its a well-documented fact that maps have a liberal bias and if you dont believe me here’s proof:
Also funny how the entire contnent of Europe is praying in the wrong direction unless Mecca is actually- holy shit- the White House. Meanwhile Florida is leaking pee all over Cuba while Antartica is literally the Globes big white nipple. Just something to think about the next time you look at a map.
6. Aqib Talib bravely attended the Broncos Superbowl ring ceremony despite the fact that he got so drunk that he shot himself in the leg and then forgot about it. Isnt this just the perfect metaphor for the difference between the Broncos and Panthers. While Manning and the gang are having ceremonies celebrating the commitment necessary to put a ring on it, Newton is going out at all hours just having fun and scoring meaninglessly. A Super Bowl ring is a consecration of the sacred love between one man and one playbook, not a prize you get for playing backseat bingo with your girlfriend at a scenic overlook. They say that failure has many fathers well you might as well get the entire 53 man Panthers roster on a episode of Maury folks.
7. In 100% seriousness here- To support the families of the victims of the tragedy in Orlando over the weekend, we’re donating all proceeds from the sale of this T-shirt. Its a small way we can support people who are going through a pretty difficult time. There are a lot of worthwhile debates that we’re all having very calmly and logically about global terrorism, gun control, and American politics, but this is a simple way (and there are many others too) that we can all do a little part to help our neighbors get through what is an unimaginable amount of pain.
8. Coach Hue Jackson has understandably asked Griffin to throw the ball out of bounds more often since a 100 yard-long target that stretches upward into the sky until it hits Gods dick is probably the most realistically attainable target for RG3 to hit consistantly. But Griffin has taken this advice and ran with it to the point where he is using it as a excuse to vandalize his neighbors houses.
Reports from Cleveland indicate that Griffin is throwing the ball over a 16 foot fence and hitting neighbors garages whenever he has to throw one away at practice. My best guess is that he’s casing the neighborhood and listening attentively for whichever garage sounds hollow and which sound like there loaded with fancy cars and precious jewelry.Its like in a movie where a ex-con gets a menial job working as a janitor or something at a building that just happens to be next door to a art collectors condo. I literally wouldn’t trust this guy as far as he could throw a football.
9. Jeff Fisher and the Rams are in the midst of a big contract renegotation, thank God. In Hollywood if you want to make alot of money you just take a proven commodity and make a sequel to it. Jeff Fisher is the comic book movie equivilant of a coach. You get a name everyone knows and people will go see it no matter how bad the quality is. Audeinces love familiarity and the LA stadium goers are going to be foaming at the mouth to get tickets for 8-8 Thirteen.
10. JJ Watt was just being a normal dude over the weekend and tweeting out that he was being a normal dude just looking for a couple pals to shoot hoops with at the local fire department. Just guy stuff. The media obvously reported on all this but what they didn’t tell you was that JJ also committed what amounts to treason yesterday by giving aid and comfort to the Mexican National soccer team
Look at him clowning around out there like a regular JaJa Watt, but it looks like Justin James could use a little history lesson. You play for a team called the Texans which means that your sworn enemy is the Mexican army. Almost like JJ’s catchphrase is “remember the Alamo except if you have a opportunity to pal around with superstar athletes.” Here is is hanging out with Chicha-rito whose name literally stands for “A-Cups” when JJ should of all people should know that D wins championships.
How much money should Cam Newton have made this week?
Programming note: I’m considering dropping this segment as we make our way to the 2016 season. Ongoing Cam Newton coverage will obviously always be a mainstay of the MMBM but if your a NFL writer you have to keep things fresh and I think I’ve proven my point that I set out to make all along- which is that Cam Newton does not deserve to be as paid as much money as the free market says that he deserves to be paid. He’s found a loophole in the system that allows players to become so undervalued that they end up being overvalued, wheres Tom Brady on the other hand is so revered and valuable that he chooses to take pay cuts every year to make more money. I will put some thought into this on my weeklong retreat where I’ll be moving from Texas to New York to begin the process of developing a East Coast bias, and I will informally poll motorists and turck stop cashiers along the way about what they would like to see as a new addition to the MMBM. If you have ideas I will take them too at PFTCommenter at gmail dot com.
It just dawned on me this week that we havent seen Newton running out there and making outlandish garish purchases with his millions of practically stolen money, and that’s kind of a red flag. What millionaire do you know who doesn’t even fix his brakes in his truck obviously and wears pants made out of a couch from Boogie Nights? Its very fishy to be keeping such a low profile and I almost have to suspect that he’s spending taxpayer money (taxpayers fund the stadium which Jerry Richardson uses to make money which he uses to pay players) on buying illegal things that he wants to keep out of the public eye. He could learn a lesson from Mark Brunell about how to manage his money in the public’s eye instead of lurking in the shadows of a private savings account.
This weeks rating is: Not as much as Tom Brady