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Shoutout To The Kangaroo Who Jumped 2 Cyclists In Australia, Rupturing One's Breast Implants

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APA woman says she and a friend were injured when they were jumped by a kangaroo while cycling in an Australian wine region.

Sharon Heinrich, 45, said Monday that she and her friend Helen Salter, 47, were cycling side by side along a tourist route in the Clare Valley in South Australia state on Wednesday when she saw a large kangaroo standing on a slight rise.

As they passed, the kangaroo bounded across the trail, landing with his long hind legs first on Heinrich’s left torso and then on Salter’s back. It knocked both from their bikes before hopping off, apparently unharmed, Heinrich said.

 

 

At a time when human-animal relations are seemingly at a tipping point after the Cincinnati Zoo wrote the opening scene to the new Planet Of The Gorillas series over the weekend, it’s comforting to see a kangaroo siding with most normal humans. Cyclists stink and everyone knows it. They want to be treated like cars, but they blow through red lights. Next minute they want their own bike lane, but start ringing their little bitch bell when you make a right turn. I’m pretty sure you can’t even make right turns in Cambridge anymore without facing a manslaughter charge. They’re awful and they constantly disrupt an already fragile transportation system.

So kangaroo, thank you. Way to take action against cyclists everywhere. This paragraph is laugh out loud funny:

As they passed, the kangaroo bounded across the trail, landing with his long hind legs first on Heinrich’s left torso and then on Salter’s back. It knocked both from their bikes before hopping off, apparently unharmed, Heinrich said.

Great stuff. Kangaroos are not to be fucked with and I’m glad this one’s on our team. I assume the attack looked a lot like this:

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