Canada Holding A Contest Where A Bald Eagle Will Deliver Beer Feels Like A Declaration Of War

CNET- Thought there was nothing more American than Budweiser temporarily renaming its beer America? (Or its parody, ‘Murica?) We’ve been one-upped, fellow Yankees, and by those hockey-lovers north of the border. Phillips Brewing on Canada’s Vancouver Island announced a contest, Beer From a Bird, in which the winner will have the company’s new pilsner delivered by a bald eagle on June 5. (Only British Columbia and Alberta residents can enter, sorry, everyone else.) Four-year-old Hercules, who looks as proud as Muppet Sam the Eagle about the whole deal, will handle the delivery, which will occur at Phillips’ patio in downtown Vancouver, B.C. “He won’t be flying that far,” said Robyn Radcliffe of Pacific Northwest Raptors, the group that’s partnered with the brewery. “Half a kilometer, probably. It’s sort of up to him.” What might not be up to him: If the flight is allowed. CTV News reports that “eagles (at Hercules’ facility) can only be free-flown for bird abatement or educational flight demonstration,” and the provincial government might clip the stunt’s wings. Come on, Canada! Let the eagle soar.

What the fuck is this shit, Canada? Are you guys trying to be funny? Or do you mean business and are daring us to lob a couple of nukes over the border? Because we will if that’s what you want. These colors don’t run. I don’t think Canada actually wants a piece of this but in the infamous words of the Atlanta-based Youngbloodz: don’t start no shit, it won’t be no shit. So Canada just haaaaaaapened to pick America’s national animal as it’s delivery service for beer huh? It could’ve been a raven or an owl or a sparrow or a fucking penguin. But no, they picked a bald eagle. America’s holy bird. Seems like too big of a coincidence to me. Especially when you factor in the popularity of Budweiser changing the name of their beer to America just a couple weeks ago. If an American company had done this I’d be on board. Having your American beer, named America, delivered by a bald eagle would be the most American thing possible. But since it came from Canada? I’m pissed and think we should bomb them simply for trying to be cute.