Has Bank Of America Never Heard Of Blacking Out?

Last week I blogged about how I was paying for some dude to live down in Nashville and Atlanta. In that blog I said, and I quote, “I’m not even mad, at all. It’s hysterical. Some fraud expert just waits for me to get paid then takes it all, then waits for that refund to get paid and takes it all. Honestly I hope he’s living it up. Bank of America is pretty good about getting my money back to me so it’s really only a slight bother to me.” Well, guess what, friends? I take it all back. Every word of it. I am, in fact, mad. It’s no longer hysterical. And BofA STINKS at getting my money back to me so it’s actually a huge bother.

You see, they’d immediately refunded all the charges so it wasn’t a problem. However, I missed in the fine print (that part at the end of a call where they read you a bunch of “important” stuff and you just nod saying “uh huh,” “ok,” “yep”) where the money wasn’t definitely mine to keep. They would be opening an investigation and if all went well then I could have my money back. Guess what? Investigation didn’t go well for this guy! Apparently the fraud had been going on for a while and I’d checked my account during that time, therefore I had knowledge of the fraud, according to them. So they took all my money back.

Hey, you fucking LOSERS, have you never heard of blacking out? Maybe some post-weekend anxiety about checking your bank statements? Honestly, it’s a minor miracle I even caught this thing in two weeks because I’ll go a month hiding from my account balance. I’ll go a month no problem. I’ll go two, fucking three months, whatever, let’s get nuts!

So I checked my account once or twice and didn’t immediately notice my money being siphoned off $200 dollars at a time. Big deal! Maybe I drink a little too much and am a little too trusting of bank security features? That’s on me now? I don’t even remember seeing these statements you claim I looked at, but I’ll acknowledge it could’ve happened. I could’ve looked and seen a two hundred dollar ATM withdrawal, not noticed the location, and thought, “Shit it was one of those weekends, was it?” then carried about my day. That’s no reason to keep every penny I have to my name! What kind of world are we raising our children in where the penalty for being a weekend drunk is all of your assets? I didn’t get a DUI, I didn’t kill anyone, I just blacked out and thought I made some stupid purchases that I couldn’t recall. Sorry for taking some time to work out the fact that it definitely wasn’t me before I ran crying to you guys, people used to call that responsibility.

If you really are the Bank of America then you’ll acknowledge the fact that it’s my right as an American to get irresponsibly drunk and not immediately notice that someone is stealing then you’ll give me a bailout of my own money and tell me to be better next time. That’s the America I know and love.