Barstool’s EPL Season Recap – The “Soccer Is A Fickle, Slutty, Gonorrhea-Riddled Mistress” Edition

Sam's Army5/17/2016 6:16 PM

Sam’s Soccer Safe Space For Stoolies – Season Recap (& Pick’em)

Hi haters,

Unfortunately we cannot officially say that the season has come to a close thanks to the “security company” official who accidentally left a pretend bomb semi-hidden in Old Trafford, forcing the postponement of the United/Bournemouth game that must instead be played today despite it having almost zero consequence in the grand scheme of things whatsoever – except perhaps for us to make a little walking-around moneys.

Aside from that ridiculousness though the season has come to a close and wouldn’t you fucking know it, Spurs culminated their most successful season in decades by completely shitting the bed down the stretch, leaving me wanting to jump out of a window despite having secured a direct place in next season’s Champions League. Even when we win, we suck doing it. Truly amazing.

But before we turn our attention to the handful of cup finals of varying degrees of importance that still must be played, including one tomorrow involving my beloved Liverpool, let’s first put a nice a nice little bow on this shit sundae of a season by giving each club a grade and sending them off with some parting words from saltiest butthurtiest soccer blogger the stool has ever known.

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ENGLISH PREMIER LEAGUE

Reminder of the scored this weekend:

One of these scores is not like the other. One of these scores just doesn’t belong.

After every game save one has been played here are the almost-final standings:

FINAL GRADES!

Leicester: A++++++++++++++++++++
Fairy-tale season. The culmination of a breath-taking combination of skill, talent, dedication, chemistry, timing, fitness and more than a little luck. This summer and next season are going to be innnnnnnnnnnnnnnterestingggggggggggggggg.

Arsenal: B-
When your crowning achievement is finishing ahead of Spurs, it’s hard to call the season a rousing success. The status of Arsene Wenger will be worth watching.

Totteringham: B+
Finishing in top 4 is nice and all but the way in which it was “achieved” – 2 points from the final four games, including a 5-1 DICK-STOMPING from an already-relegated club down to 10 men for much of the season – confirms that Spursiness is alive and well.

City: C+
You spent a billion dollars to win the League Cup. Congrats!

United (projection): B-
Securing a spot in next season’s NIT+ Cup is actually pretty good considering you scored 46 goals – 11th best in the league – (so far) this season.

Southampton: A
Relative to expectations, the success of the Saints this season has been understandably overshadowed by some others clubs – okay, by just one – but the club deserves credit after getting decimated by transfers AGAIN and starting the season off incredibly slowly, Southampton came on at the end and once again punched well above its weight. What’s more, for once it may not see quite so many players head out the door this summer, which should provide Ronald Koeman with some stability to perhaps make some noise in next season’s NIT+ Cup.

West Ham: A-
Solid, solid season. Managed to avoid the usual second half implosion, though zero wins from mid-March through mid-April essentially eliminated them from Champions League contention and may turn out to be their undoing in the hope of getting a bid to the NIT+ Cup… which is dependent upon United beating Palace in the FA Cup final.

Liverpool: B-
The club’s crowning achievement this season was upgrading from Brendon Rodgers to Jurgen Klopp, though the grade automatically gets bumped up to a weak B+ if they beat Sevilla to win the NIT+ Cup and earn a spot in next season’s Champions League. As impressive as that is, let’s keep in mind that you finished 8th – EIGHTH, as in if there were TWO Champions Leagues you barely would have qualified – in the table.

Stoke: C+
Basically me anytime I do sex. Fast start, tire quickly, finish early, hardly memorable.

Chelsea: D
You finished 1st last season. You finished 10th this season. Do the math.

Everton: D-
Club is way too talented to finish in the bottom half of the table, and Roberto Martinez – much as I like him – was deservedly sent packing. Need to spend the Lukaku and Stones money wisely or……… gulp (though snagging a manager like Manuel Pellegrini would be a coup).

Swansea: C
Sometimes the world doesn’t make sense. Then again, sometimes it does. The Swans had high hopes coming into this season but couldn’t overcome their dismal start and finished the campaign riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight about exactly where they belong (ie, as the low-hanging nipple on the top of the old-lady bell curve).

Watford: B
Quique Sanchez Flores turned a ragtag bunch of players into a team that was firmly in the top half of the table for much of the first half of the season, was never once threatened with relegation, and made it to the FA Cup semifinal…….. and might get fired as his reward. Club will rue the day they send him packing – if in fact they do send him packing.

West Brom: A
Tony Pulis would have LOVED to be given players as talented as Watford’s ragtag bunch. Instead, he was handed a bunch of ex-United players, a couple of guys with “potential” and a disgruntled striker… and somehow eked out 14th place. Tony Fucking Pulis, man. Keep doing you, bro.

Crystal Palace: D+
Solid start but – unlike Stoke – they didn’t both finishing and headed out early. Kinda sounds like anybody I’m doing sex with.

Bournemouth: B
Not getting relegated (especially after the ridiculous amount of injuries they were hit with) = great success!

Sunderland: D
When fans sober up next week all those thoughts of “OMG OMG OMG OMG, we won a couple and didn’t get relegated!” are going to turn to “Wait, why are we always finishing in 17th (or thereabouts) place?” The cold, hard reality of that is gonna be a reeeeeeeeeeal muthafucka.

Newcastle: F
Too little, too late.

Norwich: C-
You tried hard.

Aston Villa: F————————————–
Fans deserved better than that shambolic “effort”

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PICKS OF THE DAY

United (-200)
Bournemouth (+500)
Draw (+340)

United needs to win by something like 19 goals to snag fourth place from City. That fact makes me giggle considering they’ve scored like twice that (math is hard) in 37 games so far. Perhaps they’ll unleash an offensive flurry on AFCB (read: three goals), but I doubt it. In fact, what better way for the Red Devils to finish the season but with what most fans would probably consider the worst imaginable result: 1-0 win for United, thus giving LVG a slightly stronger case with which to argue that he should be brought back for another season. Yay!

Dump me, I dare you

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Hull City (+120)
Derby County (+240)
Draw (+250)

It’s a damn shame that Derby went and shat the bed in the first leg of this home-and-home semi-final (to win promotion to EPL from the Championship division), losing 0-3 AT HOME… took a little of the drama out of this one. Hull is unlikely to “go for it” having such a big lead, so I’ll pull a 1-1 draw out of my arse.