I Love Eli Manning Doing The Salsa. I Don't Love Eli Manning Saying He Might Go By "Elisha" Because Eli Apple Is On The Giants
First lets discuss The Salsa. It was admittedly The Carlton in slow motion after a shitload of downers. But you know what? Eli pulls it off. That’s what leaders do. Sometimes you need to let your hair down and get silly with the boys so they will go that extra mile on the field. Or in Victor Cruz’s case, maybe get on the field again sometime in the next calendar year. When the Giants are playing in Houston once February rolls around, we can say it all started with these elite as fuck dancing moves.
As for the Eli/Elisha issue.
Eli Manning’s real name being “Elisha” and not Eli or Elijah has always been a dirty little secret for Giants fans. Don’t get me wrong, we love our quarterback with all our hearts. I was ready to fight every Mara and Tisch on Earth for making Eli almost cry during Tom Coughlin’s “resignation” press conference. Eli has brought two rings to this franchise while stacking up two Super Bowl MVP trophies along the way. He is the type of leader that would volunteer to be called Elisha instead of Eli despite being the cornerstone of the franchise for more than a decade. And his Ethering of Tiki Barber before the 2007 season remains one of the greatest things I have ever seen done by an NFL player. I would kill and die for Eli Manning.
My biggest problem is when I see the name Eli, I think about big playoff wins and solid stats despite playing in one of the worst places in the NFL for quarterbacks. When I see the name Elisha, I think of this.
Which is awesome. But I cannot be doing boners whenever I am reading articles about Eli Manning. Now listen, I like Eli Apple. And I LOOOOVE Annie Apple. I mean who else on the planet even dreams of a tweet like this?
So my proposed solution is that we call Eli Apple “Annie’s kid”. Sure it’s weird and will take some getting used to, but I think it plays. Because even if Eli Apple goes to Canton, I’m pretty sure we will all remember Annie Apple’s quotes and tweets more than Eli Apple. And if/when Eli Manning retires, we should probably just retire the name Eli from the Giants franchise anyway. Put it up in the ring of honor next to number 10. Everybody wins. Well, except for Eli Apple. But I’m sure Annie will convince him to accept it with a smile on his face. She put respeck on Olivia Manning’s name and uterus. The least her son could do is return the favor for Olivia’s youngest.
And since Annie brought it up, here are my Sports Mom Uterus Power Rankings:
1. Olivia Manning
2. Sonya Curry
3. Diane Gronkowski
4. Ingrida Porzingis
5. Tracie Ruiz-Conforto
99999. Leslie Plumlee
* Ingrida loses points for Kristaps being immaculately conceived. Adriana Colon received votes, but was ineligible due to Bartolo hatching out of an egg instead of being born the old fashioned way.