I Need This Bartolo Colon Home Run Baseball Card More Than I Need Air To Breathe



MLB- At long last, we’ve reached the top of the mountain. Bartolo Colon hit his first career home run on Saturday night, a shot deep into the Petco Park night in the Mets‘ 6-3 win over the Padres.

Maybe you can’t get enough of it — and who could blame you? Well, Topps has already commemorated this unforgettable moment with its own baseball card, as seen above. But don’t wait around, it’s only available for a limited time so act quickly if you want your own. Topps has issued special cards commemorating key moments in recent history, such as one documenting how incredible Mike Trout is on a regular basis and Jose Bautista’s bat flip heard ’round the world from the postseason last October.

$9.99+ S&H at Topps

Majestic. Beautiful. Sexy. All fair descriptions of this cardboard treasure. I still remember buying baseball cards as a kid and thinking it would make me a millionaire. What an IDIOT. But seeing a great baseball card at someone’s house still gives me tingly feelings inside. I bought the Ken Griffey Jr. Upper Deck rookie card just because it was always the Holy Grail of cards when I was young. And I blew up a picture of the Billy Ripken fuck face card to a 24×36 poster just because I thought it was hilarious.


However, the Bartolo Bomb card means so much more. As a fan of the Mets, baseball, and comedy. Oh yeah, and as a fat guy. I think Bartolo Colon is officially the patron saint for us fat people. Sure $10 is highway robbery in theory, but that’s like two beers at a bar. I imagine just looking at that card will give me a million times the euphoria that those beers will give me. And having the card only available for 24 hours like some of our Barstool shirts is Marketing 101. Even if I didn’t want to buy it, I would still have to because I didn’t want to miss out. The human brain is a weird organ. Bartolo Colon swings that whooping stick and eats quality innings by the bushel for the common man by the common man. God bless that sexy bastard.

Love this power move from Tolo, too. You want the greatest artifact in baseball today? Nahhh.

To the hot takers and wet blankets out there, just shut your mouths out of respect to the greatest athlete any of us will ever see.



And if you haven’t gotten your Big Sexy shirts yet, better strike while the iron is hot. We have the home run memorial shirt fresh off the presses.


And the fire neon Big Sexy shirts.