If America wants to be taken seriously we need to bring back the duel
In breaking news this morning, Ohio Governor John Kasich announced that he was still running for President apparently until just now. He was the last man standing, and his withdrawl clears the path for a Donald Trump to be the GOP Presidential nominee. Its time to come to terms with the fact that we are going to have to have to deal with Clinton and Trump campaign updates for literally the next six months, boiling down to having to decide which type of bankruptcy we tolerate less in our candidates- fiscal or moral. And thanks to Kasich and Cruz supsending their campaigns, Trump now has a extra several weeks to pivot towards the general election by workshopping intern blowjob jokes while Hillary’s team spends 30 million dollars researching which emojis best convey why her vote to invade Iraq shouldn’t be held against her.
No one is looking forward to this and there is only one way out: Bring back the duel.
Due to the ongoing pussfication of America, dueling has been outlawed in the USA for the past 115 years. It’s the ultimate way to resolve a dispute and the fact that we are too scared to use it anymore shows us exactly what’s wrong with our country. Reinstating the duel in a high profile event like a Presidential election would send a strong message to our enemies abroad that if we’re not afraid to kill each other, imagine what we’re not going to be afraid to do to you.
People forget that Aaron Burr was Vice President when he shot Alexander Hamilton over a argument about whether plantations should be considered people, and it brought that long boring conflict to a close so Americans could move on with their lives. The fact that our only two choices for President will be a walking Yahoo comment section and a walking Slate comment section means that a duel is the most humane way for this election to euthanize itself for the good of our country.
Plus, murdering someone in cold blood would give Clinton a great opportunty to pander to the oil lobbyists, while at the same time allowing Trump to attempt to follow through on his campaign promise to shoot someone and not lose any voters. Win win.
PS No matter which candidate dies, no one is going to get destroyed as much as Ben Carson, who just got friend-zoned harder than anyone in the history of the planet:
Alot of people are pointing out that Dick Cheney was originally hired to lead George W Bush’s VP search committee but come on thats basically like comparing Belichick to Tomsula. Cheney is a completely different animal altogether, shrewd as can be, like a Frank Underwood without all the conscious weighing him down. Cheney’s the type guy who has pretended to be gay just so he could lure a hot babe to successfully “convert” him. Carson on the other hand is a bizzare leaf being blown around by a room full of farts. Carson’s going to come back with some weird recommendation for Veep like Rand Paul and Trump’s going to smile and nod and make arrangements to send his private plane to pick up Jesse Ventura anyways.