Lingerie Football Coach Chris Michaelson Is Back And As Batshit As Ever, Relive His Greatest Hits

Yes! Mount Michaelson has erupted again! The man, the myth, the living legend Chris Michaelson has arrived for the 2016 season. Any man who gets that fired up over chippy’s running around in lingerie is a man you don’t want to trifle with. If anything we should all be thankful a full blown heart attack hasn’t taken him down yet. Seriously, that’s a legit question: How many more of these rants does Seattle Mist head coach Chris Michaelson have left in him before the vein in his neck explodes and takes out the entire city block? And is that a wedding ring I spy with my little eye? That dame must really think she hit the jackpot when she’s literally dodging bullets for overcooking the tuna casserole. A man like this can’t, and won’t be tamed. Here are some of the coach’s greatest hits.

Calling His Player A Dumb Bitch:

Hey, it’s not misogynistic. It’s football. If you can’t stand the heat then get out the figurative kitchen and back into a real one. How many times did Seattle Mist HC Michaelson beat his wife in the past week tell Lily to get back? And she still got toasted. There are no other adjectives to describe her at that point. Just have to throw in the towel and call her a dumb bitch. What more can he do? A coach is only good when the players are coachable.

You Do NOT Walk Off The Field In Seattle:

Barstool beauty Angela Rypien better get her head on straight unless she wants her ass chewed out* every possession. A female athlete hasn’t been bashed that hard during a game since the Jimmy Dugan days. Would’ve been the cherry on top if Angela got called a talking pile of pig shit as her daddy Mark drove all the way down from Canada just to see her play the game. But she did handle the verbal crucifixion well. This is Seattle. The last person to walk off his field is lucky to still have the privilege to walk.

*If that could happen in the literal sense I would quit blogging right now to put all the eggs in the Lingerie Football coaching basket.

Releasing The Wrath On The Refs:

Run, white hat. Run for your life. Those officiating whistles might have been promoted to rape whistles if this coach cornered this crew after the game. Step into Michaelson’s locker room for your $10 paycheck, Zebras. Are you fucking retarded, or just stupid?