Ted Cruz is so good at sex that he wanted to outlaw the sale of vibrators


I know Nate just blogged the story about Ted Cruz’s college roomate calling him out for pounding off all the time his freshman year, but rule number one of sports blogging is that you can never have too many posts about Ted Cruz pounding hog. Let me say right off the bat that #MasturGate makes me repsect Ted Cruz so much more as a person and as a potential President. He’s become the Jackie Robinson of openly masturbating Presidential canadates, and clearly the better choice over Donald Trump whose measly hands might not be able to satisfactorily jack off a housecat.

In addition to being called out for masturbating once in college, the communists over at Mother Jones drudged up a old case where he vigorously defended a Texas law banning the sale of sex toys statewide:

In 2007, Cruz’s legal team, working on behalf of then-Attorney General Greg Abbott (who now is the governor), filed a 76-page brief calling on the US Court of Appeals for the Fifth Circuit to uphold the lower court’s decision and permit the law to stand. The filing noted, “The Texas Penal Code prohibits the advertisement and sale of dildos, artificial vaginas, and other obscene devices” but does not “forbid the private use of such devices.”

Alot of people are making a big deal about this law but the fact is its really doing the bare minimum. If we were to try and ban the sale of everything that Bill & Hillary have ever used as a sex toy you can kiss goodbye to ever purchasing cigars, top loading dryers, and domesticated rodents ever again. Cruz’s stance on sex toys actually shores up his bona fides as a strict Constitutional literalist who knows that the Founding Fathers could of never predicted how powerful and ruthlessly effecent sex toys would one day become. Theres a huge difference between George Washington having to take a half-hour to shave down those wooden teeth before putting them to work and the types of stuff anyone can buy at a sex shop or online with no background check these days. Its also extremely likely that Ted Cruz is such a good lover that he honestley doesn’t understand why anyone out there would ever need to buy a vibrator. You let Papa Cruz hit it right and you’re going to be too busy lightin up that next cigarette to worry about that Adam & Eve promo code. Hell folks, if all you want is to see a building that had a bunch of dildos for sale, he could just let you in to the United States Capitol.


The brief insisted that Texas in order to protect “public morals” had  “police-power interests” in “discouraging prurient interests in sexual gratification, combating the commercial sale of sex, and protecting minors.”

I’ve mentioned before that Cruz’s spokesperson is former Virginia Attorney General Ken Cucenelli who ran a campaign based on a promise to crimnalize oral sex. And while you might disagree with some of Ted’s other policies, you have to admit if we did a better job of protecting our children from using vibrators and giving blowjobs we could focus on the real issues like teenage pregnancy & abortions. Something to think about.