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I Need To Find A Way To Get Into This Kristaps Porzingis Youth Basketball Clinic

via NYC Basketball Kids

Holy shit, this is my big shot. A chance to meet my idol, learn some new moves, and get buckets on a bunch of 5-14 year olds. Sure it will be hard to pass myself off as an extremely tall, extremely extremely fat, moderately intelligent 14 year old. But if I would go all the way to Latvia to learn more about Godzingis, trying to finagle my way into a youth clinic in NYC shouldn’t be too weird, right?

So I registered for the clinic last night and received an email back from them this morning:


I thought I was in once this guy revealed himself as a Stoolie. However, the email thread has gone cold since I admitted that I would be interesting in attending the camp myself. Which has now led me to brainstorm ways to get into this clinic. A few ideas have been floated around.

1. I could try to pass my 17 month old daughter off as a 5 year old. Unfortunately she has not acquired her father’s taste for junk food yet and is tiny for her age. However, she is probably definitely more athletic than me.

2. I can rent a kid. Actually, can I rent a kid? I remember there was a puppy renting service in NYC a couple of years ago in case you wanted to bring a dog to the park and pick up girls. There HAS to be a service like this in NYC but with kids instead of puppies. Then again, the insurance for a business like this would be astronomical.

3. If push comes to shove, I guess I could hire a child actor for the day. I have no idea how much they cost, but it can’t be that much, right? Is Andy Milonakis still around? That guy probably still looks like a 14 year old and could probably use the work/money.

*Crosses number 3 off the list*

4. I can apply to be a counselor in the clinic. The Mega Bus is gassed up and ready to roll!

5. Give them this:

Regardless of what happens, I promise that whenever I have my time on the court with Godzingis, I will not look like a guy that had a MonStar go up his nose, only to find no talent.

And I am pretty sure that if I find a way into this clinic, I can talk Porzingis out of playing for Latvia this summer and to instead rent a house with me down in Wildwood.

h/t Aliza