John Kasich Says He Wants The Monday After The Super Bowl To Be A National Holiday
CBS Sports - John Kasich is trying to get some votes from the millions of Americans who watch football. And he took a smart approach to it during an appearance on the Dan Patrick Show this past week, when asked whether or not the day following the Super Bowl should be a holiday. Kasich correctly pointed out there’s “no productivity whatsoever” and thinks he could hammer out something to make it happen pretty quickly. “It should be. There’s no productivity whatsoever. I think it should be,” Kasich said. “I’m going to take that under consideration. Maybe I can get that done in the first 100 days.”
Ka-sich! Ka-sich! Ka-sich! Kasich 2016 motherfuckers! Tossing up that Doug Flutie Hail Mary as the clock expires. Pretty much the entire country agrees that Kasich is the most level headed, reasonable candidate out there and yet he has absolutely no chance to be president. America!
But not anymore. Johnny K comes in and gives everyone the long-coveted Monday After The Super Bowl Holiday. And now that I see a little bit of daylight with a presidential candidate, I’m pitching my campaign. Last year I did my Presidential Platform on Mailtime and now that I see Kasich is reasonable about giving the people what they want, I’m hoping he sees this campaign. KFC 2016 is as follows:
1. We move Columbus Day and President’s Day to March and make the Thursday and Friday of the first round of the NCAA Tournament holidays. 4 day weekend for March Madness.
2. The Monday after the Super Bowl will NOT be a holiday. Because I will execute an executive order to make the Super Bowl Saturday night. You have Sunday to recover. But KFC! Why not just give us the Monday off! Because…
3. We’re taking what would be the Monday after the Super Bowl and we’re flexing that to the Monday after the March Madness 4 Day Weekend. Boom, 5 day weekend.
4. While we’re at it. every weekend is a 3 day weekend. Four 10 hour days (you already know how to Mailtime your work day as is, whats another couple hours?) and Fridays off every week
5. I’m completely overhauling baseball
a) Either no DH at all, or the DH is allowed to use steroids. Also, home runs that are hit by the DH are like the Money Ball in the 3 point contest or the 50 point basket in Rock N Jock. DH home runs are worth 7 runs.
b) 1 game per week is played with metal bats. Netting is put up to protect the crowd
c) Ah fuck it, lets just legalize steroids for everyone again. Make Baseball Fun Again.
6. High schoolers are allowed to go back to the NBA. All the greatest players and best NBA stories of the past generation were all High Schoolers. Kobe, KG, Lebron, T Mac. Even the bums like Kwame Brown. Their either immortals or complete busts and either way its awesome.
7. I’m not fighting any wars that dont have anything to do with us anymore. I’m #done with the Middle East. We’ll figure out oil somewhere else. We’re done with you fuckers that have been fighting for like 9 millenia.
8. No daylights saving time. Talk about over complicating the situation. Just leave the clocks alone.
9. Taxation without representation for any pharmacy giving out receipts over 4 inches long. Theres an epidemic crippling this country and its Rite Aids and Duane Reades and CVS’s giving out 3 foot long receipts. Nobody wants those rebates and coupons. Matter of fact, nobody wants receipts period. Every receipt over 4 inches you’re getting hit with a penalty.
10. Reciprocity for the Ring – This is the most important piece of my platform and maybe my most important contribution to society:
a) We abolish the Engagement Ring tradition. This would be the simplest way, but rather unlikely, so…
b) Reciprocity for the Ring – Girls have been getting rings from us worth thousands and thousands of dollars for years and years and years with nothing in return. Its time that changes. I propose that for every 1 dollar spent on the ring, the girl must contribute one dollar to your bachelor party fund. So, you want that 3 carat, $25,000 ring? Thats fine. But just know that I now have $25,000 to spend in Vegas with all my buddies. The slush fund for drugs and strippers and partying just went up by 25k. Reciprocity for the Ring! Then when eventually happens is that any time you see a chick with a big ring, everyone judges her because her husband probably fucked a stripper on his bachelor weekend. All the sudden, small rings are what every girl wants. Thereby reducing our cost and eliminating most of this burden altogether.
11) Time and a half for any work happy hour/dinner/event. I dont care about free drinks or a free meal. I can buy my own food and alcohol. Thats not enticing enough for me to spend even MORE time with my dickhead coworkers. You want me to join for happy hour? You want me at dinners that run till 10pm? Fine. But I’m getting paid overtime now thanks to President KFC
12) Indeprassic Rock – A television station that runs nothing but Independence Day, Jurassic Park, and The Rock 24 hours a day non stop.
And thats basically the 12 step program towards me becoming President. If John Kasich wants to implement these programs and take office with me as his VP, thats fine. I just gotta get to the White House and then I’ll Frank Underwood that shit. I’ll run a puppet regime and eventually overtake the Oval Office for myself. But those 12 steps right there will take American by storm and restore this country to greatness.
If you want to hear the campaign speech, heres the original Mailtime episode. Listen here (6:00-27:00)