Here Is My Advice To Ernie Els From A Guy Who Has Screwed Up A Million First Holes In His Golf "Career"

Listen Ernie, you may be a golf pro but I’m a pro at coming out of the gates terribly on the golf course. So here’s a tip from me to you. This is how we fix that 10 on the first.

2nd hole – Pick up some grass and toss it to “check the wind”. Make it self deprecating, get some laughs.

3rd hole – Crack a beer

4th hole – Crack another beer, hit a putt within 10 feet of the hole and call it good.

5th hole – Ask if you’re the only one who is going to drink today? Subtle peer pressure on the rest of the group

6th hole – Shotgun a beer, mumble that you’d probably be playing better if you weren’t drinking but you love drinking in the summer.

7th-9th – Few more beers, ask if anyone brought some weed. They didn’t because they take the game too seriously, laaaame.

Turn – Get some food but make sure you mention you “haven’t eaten anything today and that’s probably why you’ve been sucking”.

10th – Have a good shot, quote the line from Happy Gilmore “looks like someone learned how to putt”

In between the 10th and 11th, quietly talk yourself into somehow being a better golfer when drunk. We call this the “I just needed to loosen up” excuse, it happens every time I’m on the course.

11th – Snowman

12th – Shank the drive, take another one “just for fun”, still get a snowman.

13th – 16th – Crack a beer, throw in a dip, get a little dizzy, ask everyone if they want to just play best ball because we’re “barely keeping score”.

17th – After everyone refuses best ball just say you’ll play from your friends ball to “speed it up”, which just so happens to be the 250 yd drive in the middle of the fairway.

18th – Hit a shot from 150 yards out to within 5 feet of the pin, putt in for a par.

Think to yourself, “Man, golf is fun, I think I’m getting good at this, we should do it again next weekend”

Like I said, been there a million times, Ernie, you’re welcome.