Football is better than baseball, and did Johnny Manziel join the Latin Kings?
Note: TL;DR
Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM, 2000 words of strong takes. Just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the heat and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.
I dont care about baseball- my column.
Well opening day is here, and I for one could care less about it. The only thing that Opening Day is good for is that it’s right up there with the day after the Superbowl and religous holidays that I didnt grow up celebrating as being the most socially acceptable days where people skip school and work without a real excuse. You ever hear George Carlins routine about the difference between football and baseball? Its one of the alltime greats when it comes to explaining to others why your sport is inferior to mine. But Carlins big mistake was that he was always too Politically Correct, so Im here to set you straight.
For example, football has been at the bleeding edge of huge advancements in science- from Ronnie Lott discovering the lost art of self-administered amputation to Kevin Everett reversing the effects of time by freezing his body and saving himself from being paralyzed. Football had a amazing 40-50 year run with virtually no reported head injuries, and its only now that the athletes are becoming too big and strong where we’re even talking about concussons. What has baseball accomplished? Well I guess they pioneered “Tommy John” surgery that takes a ligament from a corpse- something we used to call “grave-robbing” back when I was a kid. If Robert Griffin was allowed to take a body part off a dead guy every time he sprained a ankle something tells me Kyle Shanahan would be nose down in a ditch somewhere with his ankles fully harvested of everything accept his Chris Simms tattoo.
Baseball coddles you. If you bat over .350 your going to make the Hall of Fame. If you only succeed 40% of the time in football you’re going to be out of a job unless you have Stan Kroenkes nudes in a safe somewhere.
Plus, baseball fans are so dumb that they keep score themselves just in case the Umpire forgets what the count is and need to ask a fan, which has literally never happened in a game. If your game is so boring that you have to keep score to find out whose winning, its clearly not visibly demoralizing enough for the loser. In football you dont have to even look at the score to know whose winning, you just need to see which teams are from Ohio or have a Detmer on the roster. Keep it simple stupid. There are dumb differences in the college game as well. In College Baseball you get to use aluminium bats because the players arent strong enough to score runs. Thats like letting a Stanford fullback drive a golf cart through the D-Line to open up running lanes for his teammates. Just a utterly bad sport.
Another good marker of whether or not something is a sport is if people who live in Boston are traditionally good at it, no offense:
So football- clearly a sport.
Baseball- not a sport.
Basketball- clearly a sport.
Speed reading- not a sport.
Just in case you still dont get it, here’s a good infographic to share with your freinds on opening day:
On to the awards:
Road Grader of the Week: James Evans, hockey fan
You cant sprain a pube online without having a sports fan tell you that a hockey player would of played through it, but in this case a young hockey fan demonstrated that he is actually tougher then most players. James Evans was watching a San Antonio Rampage hockey game when a flying puck hit him in his head. So he went to the doctor, got staples, and got back to the game in time to watch the Rampage win in OT. To be honest though I could of dealt without the kids dad posting about it on instagram and keeping the puck for his kid like a participation trophy for walking off a head wound. A hockey player woudnt have done that.
Runner up RGOTW: every sports fan who reminded us that wrestling was fake yetserday. Thank you for your service.
10 Things I Know I Know
1.
Thinking too hard about baseball will do that to you. Rookie mistake, kid.
(h/t@scd8809)
2. Is Johnny Football in a gang? Well he just got a new tattoo on Sunday- its a series of Roman numerals that either correspond to his birthday, or how many beers hes drank that night, and a crown that looks supsicously like the 5-point crowns you see for the Latin Kings and the bloods:
One other possbility for this crown is that its the Rolex symbol which would be ironic for a guy whose never on time, or maybe the 5 points just symbolize his scoring average over the passed 2 years.
3. In a study that should suprise exactly no one, it has been sciencifically proven that people who point out typos are, in fact, assholes.
4. Speaking of pointing out typos heres a league-wide email that was sent out in preparaton for a flag football leagues opening weekend. You talk about a commissioner who understands that spelling is more important then telling folks:
(h/t Mr19683)
5. Lesean McCoy is not going to be charged with a crime for allegedly beating up two Law Enforcement Officers in a Philadelpha nightclub. The Bills dodged a bullet on this one since Karlos Willams isnt very good, and its still going to be at least another year until Fred Jacksons son is eligible for the draft. Shadys argument was that he shouldnt be charged with assaulting a police officer since it was a bar fight between 4 consenting adults and 2 consenting adults , and that a 15 year punishment would of been too harsh since the worst sentence you ever hear in New York is Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo.
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6. Internet Comment of the Week:
7. The San Francisco 49ers are letting John Elway and the Broncos cuckold them by letting Ballin Rapperneck take visits to Denver to discuss salary requirements for a potential trade. Its bad enough that Jed York has to deal with Blaine Gabbert walking around his building every day, but to know that his own former franchise QB is taking meetings with his opponents has really got to smart. Complicating matters is the fact that Kaepernick is the only player on the team whose talented enough to make Chip Kelly want to trade him.
8. Tim Tebow would consider running for goverment office down the line if his football career ever starts to look like maybe its not going to pan out for him. I can see numerous advantages to Senator Tebow- for one if he wants to do a marathon fillibuster on a bill all he has to do is demonstrate his throwing motion one time. Two- its tough to get wrapped up in a sex scandal if your a virgin. Three- our biggest problem in America is that we dont win anymore, and say what you want about Tim, but hes made a career out of winning ugly. We need someone whose not afraid to run a country- not pass the buck.
9. Italian Doctors are going to perform the worlds first honest-to-God head transplant in 2017.Im genuinely suprised that Peyton Manning never contacted Takeo Spikes to see if hed be interested in providing a neck and body that could support the QB for the next 4 years or so, but I guess Peytons not really the type to ever cheat to get a head. Call me crazy but I think that a prime canidate for just such a operation is Johnny Manzeil. You put Tebows head on Manziels body, and you get yourself minimum 3 Lombardi trophies. Plus if you flip it around you give JFF a new lease on life with a STD-free body, & you’ve set the league up with a QB rivalry for the next 10 years.
10. Speaking of Virgin Mobile QBs
How much money should Cam Newton have made this week?
Cam laid low (one other thing that lays low is snakes) this week and stayed out of the news, only surfacing to post the occasonal instagram post filled with brags about how hard he’s working. But as William Curry of Cat Scratch Reader notes, theres been something amiss about Newtons captions-
Mr. Newton, your Instagram captions are causing irreparable damage to my brain. Trying to decipher these messages you have created is mentally and emotionally exhausting. Please, if you’re going to post a photo, attach a caption that is readable. Or don’t attach a caption at all. I know some would say that is a ‘social media faux pas,’ but at this point, I don’t think it really matters.
Take a look for yourself:
I dont know what it says about your leadership skills if your instantgram captions look like you outsource your social media to the zodiac killer, but unlike Cam, at least zodiac never shied away from the press. Also- there is another guy who comes to mind who used alot of umlauts when detailing his struggle- I’ll let you figure out who that was. By the way, who know’s where the umlaut button is on your phone? If you put a gun to Danny Woodheads head and asked me to find the Umlaut button on my phones keypad in under 60 seconds, my fantasy team would go 0-16 for the rest of my life.
Maybe Cam should be more concerned with titles than he is with captions. Just a thought.
I guess maybe I’m just old fashion but professonal atheletes should act like professonals on social media instead of sharing inside jokes and innapproprate material.