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If You Aren't Butt Funneling You Aren't Living


You know when something significant in your life happens. You graduate college, you get your dream job, you quit a job, you move to a new city, whatever. Well that’s how I feel right now. There was life before the Butt Funnel and life after the Butt Funnel. I was living like an ignorant asshole up until last night. Never butt funneling, never living. Like I know it’s Monday morning and that we are the absolute farthest away from a weekend that we can be, but that doesn’t change my inner desire to butt funnel. It’s not a want, it’s a need.  


Top 3 Chicks I want to Butt Funnel.  



1. Ashley Greene – So much history there. I’d lock her in my butt funnel forever, but not like in a creepy way. 

2. Emily Ratajowski – No chance this Butt Funnel lasts more than 7 seconds but I still want to do it.


  3. Devin Brugman – Boob Funnel




I’m 90% sure Beaumonts on Halsted has a Butt Funnel, but that’s the beauty of the Butt Funnel, you never actually know when you’ve been Butt Funneled. One second you’re drinking at the bar and the next you’ve taken some chick home you don’t even know. Straight up Butt Funneled.


Double PS

Taffer’s absolute refusal to ever wear sunglasses when he so clearly needs them is my favorite. Can’t possibly squint any harder.