Happy Easter weekend, you heathens. But anybody who grew up to be a non-practicing Catholic like myself remembers the glory days of what celebrating Jesus dying for our sins, being sent to hell, then resurrecting from the dead to open the gates to heaven truly means: The Easter Egg Hunt. Survival of the fittest from ages 3-11. Every year growing up during the Easter Egg hunt you had one job and one job only, to collect as many eggs as possible while leaving the fewest survivors. However, there is a certain honor among egg hunters who engage in this sort of warfare. Unwritten rules that one must respect in order to participate that somehow not all followed. There are also parents and other spectators at these events who you would like nothing better than to hold down and have the Cadbury Bunny chew their face off. These are their stories:
The Kid Who Flips Shit Because He/She Sucks At Finding Easter Eggs
Life was rough for some 8-year-olds. Constant stress about learning what an adverb is (still don’t really know), they’re only good enough to play 2B and not SS in little league, they see their crush go out of her way to give your best friend her Dunkaroo’s during lunch. Just a day late and a dollar short getting on everything, including the Easter Egg hunt. The spaz tries hard to be a good sport and tries even harder to get as many eggs as possible but for whatever reason just isn’t good at life. Unfortunately ends up at best in tears and at worse the pre-pubescent version of Michael Douglas from the movie Falling Down.
The Pedophile Dressed In The Creepy Bunny Outfit
Usually some Dad who is 25 years fresh out of studying theater at a community college that wants to show the children a good time but ends up haunting their dreams until high school. Easter bunny suits should not exist outside of Furry communities and Donnie Darko. The guys at the hunt who really get into it will have a golden egg hidden up their ass, but that’s an everyday thing not just Easter.
Dad Who Hides The Eggs So Well Sherlock Holmes With A Map Wouldn’t Come Close To Finding Them
The dude almost does a better job of covering up eggs than he does covering up his hatred for family life. The man takes his craft like an art form and you gotta respect it. He’ll spend literally hours the night before hiding the eggs and if he really has a hard-on will map out where they’re all hidden. There may not be a child over 5’0 participating in the hunt but you damn well know there’s going to be some eggs on top of the basketball backboard or on top of a 15 ft tree in a birds nest. I fully plan on being this father.
Kid Who Steals Out Of Other Kid’s Baskets
Fucking scum of the Earth right here. They’re not good enough to find their own eggs so they attempt to capitalize off of someone’s hard work by stealing literally right out of another person’s basket right in front of them. Shouldn’t be able to do that till you’re old enough to vote Bernie Sanders (OHHHH BERN!!!).
Suburban Mom Neighborhood Organizer In Charge
Mid-40’s depressed housewife who LIVES for the Easter Egg Hunt. It’s the only thing she has in here life where she can dictate control the kids and husband have less than zero respect for her. Will also try to impose an “maximum egg limit” on how many kids can take but is ignored by everyone just like her cooking blog and weekly editorials about Christianity in the local newspaper.
Older Kid Who Takes The Eggs In Plain View
If you’re over 5 and have all of your chromosomes, there’s no excuse for taking an egg that’s not hidden at all. None. This is the type of kid where you 100% blame the parents for giving them everything on a silver platter rather than teaching them about challenges and real life. Perfectly acceptable to Adam Vinitari soccer style his Easter basket into its Resurrection.
The Overly Competitive Parents
The worst of the worst. They’ll knock another kid over to make sure their child gets the egg and then will brag to their son how great of a high school athlete they were. The type of parents who feel like their kid can’t do anything wrong and will do anything to make them succeed. Newsflash assholes: It’s a scientific FACT that your kid is going to grow up to be a failure if they are above the age of 5 and you help them in any way at an Easter egg hunt. GTFO of the way and let the children have the closest thing to the Hunger Games that their cushy middle class lives will ever get.