Can Someone Track Down This @FuckJerry Cat On Instagram And Force Him To Play Me For Mario Kart 64 Immortality?

Pre Blog PSA: 1 match on Rainbow Road? Talk about the pussy set up of the century. This fucker probably nails the jump every damn time. Either you drunk drive through all 16 courses topped off with a shot during every battle map or you can not claim the throne. Simple as that.

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Farewell and adieu to you fair spanish ladies. pic.twitter.com/UDa4mtIyGV

— Smitty (@SmittyBarstool) May 2, 2014

So this @FuckJerry cat thinks his shit don’t stink, eh? Calling out the best of the best to get paid to fly out and challenge him in Rainbow Road for $5K? Well, you’re looking at the #1 ranked MK64 player in the known universe. I NEED someone to connect out and make this happen, because I guarantee the 18 burner email accounts I made up to enter won’t be good enough to be selected.

See, everyone in the world was born to be the best at something. Picasso paints. Babe Ruth hits home runs. I Kart. 48 up and 48 down during our official MK64 Tourney way back when. Ran through the competition like butter. He came, he saw, he conquered. Had to beat the ladies n00bs off with a stick. Really don’t know what else I have to do to prove my worth where it matters most in life aka the imaginary world of video games. You better believe I was victory drinking out of that fun sized Stanley Cup for the rest of that night/life till it was snapped in a tragic ex-girlfriend rampage (they go straight for the soul, don’t they?). And, yes, Mario Kart makes you sweat. Bad.

THE CHAMP IS HERE!

PS – Happy brows like you read about.