Cyber Monday Sale - 20% OffShop Now

BREAKING NEWS (from 4 hours ago cuz I had to work late): Adam Laroche Retires Because The White Sox Didn't Want His 14 Year Old Son In The Clubhouse As Much

 

This is legitimately the biggest joke of all time.  I can just imagine how the conversation between Kenny Williams and Laroche went down:

KW: “Hey Adam, you think we could maybe tone back having your kid in the clubhouse, at practice, in the dugout, in meetings and at the field, ya know, ONE BILLION PERCENT of the time a bit?  I mean he’s a good kid and all but this is also your job and there isn’t a job in the fucking world where you can just bring your kids to the office every single goddamn day.  Here and there is fine, but chill out a bit bro.”

AL: “OH YEAH?!? WELL I FUCKING RETIRE!!!”

KW: “Um wut”

AL: “YOU HEARD ME! I’M #DONE”

KW: “Bruh…”

*realizes Laroche counts against $13MM towards the payroll, is 37 and coming off a season where he had a .207/.293/340 slash line* ”

…whatever you say homie.”

 

Seriously though, this is the weirdest thing of all time.  Kenny Williams’ request was perfectly reasonable, by all accounts.  If KW wants less kids in the clubhouse, fine,  If Laroche wants to spend more time with his family and would rather do that than collect 13 million, that’s fine too.  No harm no foul on either end.

But any Sox fan can tell you that Laroche’s kid is NEVER not around the team.  A little bit is fine, Kenny Williams himself said that he lets kids who are old enough shag balls in BP, into the locker room when permitted, etc.  Totally cool.  No one has an issue with that.  But the second the man who’s second in charge of the entire organization says “tone it down” a bit, you’ve gone WAY too far and completely abused your privileges.  And no one on the team will come out and say it, but you can bet your ass that the entire team was sick of Laroche’s kid constantly being around too.  I’d bet the farm that it was a player who spoke up to KW first.

Also, what the fuck is up with Laroche’s kid being in Arizona right now anyways?  Doesn’t he have school?  And what kind of 14 year old wants to go anywhere near their parents at all, let alone be around them constantly? A few things I was doing as a 14 year include, but are not limited to the following:

– waitching the scene in American Pie where Nadia strips on VHS whenever my parents weren’t home

– having home run derbies with lightning bugs instead of baseballs

– egging/TPing/lighting things on fire/ committing any and all acts of vandalism

– building sick ass tree forts in the forest

– downloading porn on Kazaa and Limewire and letting it load throughout the day while at school

I was NOT hanging out with my dad constantly.  And my dad’s a pretty cool guy.  Likes to get fucked up and gamble. Still didn’t really want anything to do with him as a pre-pubescent teen though.  And even if my dad was a pro athlete I’d still wanna do normal teenager stuff.  Like launch potatoes at cars driving down the highway with two buddies and a three man slingshot.  Can’t do that while at work with daddy.

All that said, apparently the Sox have yet to turn Laroche’s retirement papers into the league.  If he decides he wants to come back and the Sox welcome him back, we riot.  No choice there, we burn this bitch to the ground.

What a weird fucking offseason for the Sox huh?  Constantly in the news.  No publicity is bad publicity I guess.  I kinda like all the attention they’ve gotten recently.  This season is about to be A LOT of fun