I’ve Turned Into A Snorer And It’s Ruining My Life

There is a new development in the Portnoy household. I’ve started snoring the last 3 or 4 months. It’s a disaster. Why? Because every time I start snoring my wife rabbit punches me in the ribs and wakes me up. She says she can’t sleep so then I can’t sleep. Nobody is sleeping. We have a spare bedroom but she refuses to use it because according to her that’s how people get divorces or some shit like that.

So we’re at a crossroads. It’s like Lord of the Flies up in here. I was even researching what causes people to snore last night and it seems I fit into a couple categories. Huge nose, out of shape, getting old. Check, check and check. Last night she forced me to sleep with 2 pillows so my head would be tilted. The result was my head was literally at a 90 degree angle. The good news. No snoring. The bad news. I wasn’t snoring because I wasn’t sleeping. It’s officially the danger zone in the Portnoy household and this should worry all of Stoolie Nation. Because here is a fact. If I don’t get 10 hours of sleep my brain starts turning to noodle. I can’t give the people what they need and what they crave. I can’t be that awesome Pres who is funny, sarcastic and dominating. I don’t know what to do. It’s one of the first problems my gigantic brain can’t seem to figure out. I guess it shouldn’t be surprising that the only way to beat me is to sneak attack me in my sleep when I can’t defend myself. I’d defeat snoring in a heartbeat if it was a man and would face me when I was awake so I could fight it.