WASHINGTON, Feb. 12 (UPI) — How far would you go to pay off your student loans? Cut off a pinky finger? Take a punch from former professional boxer Mike Tyson? Give up social media for life? A new poll shows some graduated student loan borrowers would willingly go to extremes to pay off outstanding student debt. That includes pain, suffering and, possibly, a move to Syria. “We think it is clear that current student loan borrowers are feeling pressured by their debt,” said Nate Matherson of Lendedu, an online company that provides information about loan refinancing options. “Unfortunately, none of these options are currently available under the Department of Education’s Public Service Loan Forgiveness program.”
I absolutely love this poll idea. Asking people what they would do in order to get out from under their student loan payments. Student loans are a racket. Or at least they feel that way. Every month when I make a payment I envision myself putting the money in a little pile, dousing it in lighter fluid and throwing a match on it. It’s like that Seinfeld bit where he talks about the check coming after you eat a glorious meal at a restaurant. The money has no value when you’re going to school and living an awesome life. Spend the money here. Spend the money there. It doesn’t matter. You’re having such a blast you don’t even think about it. Free money! It’s only when you’re out of college and miserable because post-college life SUCKS do they bring you the bill. So yeah, I would go to great lengths to have my student loans vanish into thin air.
Heres the list of things people would do and the percentages
– 57.89 percent would give up social media for life
With my current job, it’s impossible. I check Twitter every 45 seconds out of habit now. I have become a social media-checking monster. If I worked a regular 9-5 though? DONE. Have you been on Twitter and Facebook recently? It’s a goddamn nightmare out there. Going cold turkey would be the best feeling in the world.
– 57.11 percent would give up coffee for life
I would rather watch you kill my mother in front of me.
– 56.73 percent would take a punch from boxer Mike Tyson
Anybody who doesn’t say yes to this is a person who doesn’t like to have fun. People who say no to this are the people who say, “It’s late. I’m gonna turn in” at a bachelor party. Hell yes I’ll let Iron Mike punch me in the face to get rid of my student loan debt! Not only do you have more money but you also have a go-to story for life. This one is a no-brainer.
– 56.14 percent would abstain from alcohol and drugs for life
Ahhhhh a tale as old as time. Stop drinking and doing drugs and you’ll have more money. We’re all in that situation regardless of student loans. It’s apparently a fact that if you don’t go throwing your money around like a rapper every weekend at bars that you will save money. Not drinking or doing drugs seems good theoretically. No hangovers and more money. But like two weeks in you’d be bored to tears and realize you made the biggest mistake of your life. I choose the booze.
– 40.35 percent would take one year off life expectancy
The fact that 100% of people didn’t say yes to this is ridiculous. One year? One? You can take a decade if it means I’m gonna be debt free. One year is absolutely nothing. Especially once I’m that age it’ll just be a year of me pooping in an adult diaper and trying to remember family members.
– 35.67 percent would give up texting for life
This seems like an easy one to give up because I don’t like texting and I really don’t like responding to texts until you realize the alternative. The alternative is talking on the phone which is straight crazy town in 2016. I was on the phone yesterday with someone that seemed like it was two hours. After we hung up I checked the length of the phone call. 7 minutes.
– 28.07 percent would name first-born daughter Sallie Mae
I would name my first-born daughter Cunt Bag McWhorestein if it meant my student loan debt went away.
– 20.47 percent would wear same outfit everyday for life
I do this already.
– 6.47 percent would cut off pinky finger
Done and done. I’ve always thought that the pinky finger was the freeloader of the fingers. What does it actually do? It’s useless. Take it. I won’t miss it. I’m not a pimp.
– 4.68 percent would move to Syria for life
It’s warm there, correct? Or is it not warm there? Don’t they kill their own people or something? I don’t have enough data to make an informed decision so yeah I’ll move to Syria.
– 4.09 percent would contract a random sexually transmitted disease for life
Listen. I’m already one of the least sexually active people on the planet. I don’t need another thing working against me in that department. I will pay my loans instead of having to have the awkward conversation of, “I think this is going really great. I like you and you like me. One last thing, I have herpes.” I am willing to pay thousands and thousands of dollars so I don’t have to do that. You’re welcome, penis.