(Source) – The chief executive of Heineken in Ireland told a retailers’ conference today that the company wants to help make it “uncool to be drunk” in Ireland in future. Maggie Timoney, who was speaking at the Checkout Retail conference in the Mansion House in Dublin, also criticised planned new laws in relation to alcohol because “they won’t change behaviour”. Ms Timoney said proposed advertising advertising restrictions in the Public Health (Alcohol) Bill would not change the behaviour of people who abuse alcohol. She said the focus should instead be on encouraging moderate drinking among people generally, and delaying when young people have their first drink. “This isn’t a popularity contest. I don’t give a s*** if you vote for me or if I get fired from Heineken. But we need to make it uncool to be drunk in Ireland,” she told delegates. She showed a new Heineken ad showing relatively sober men hooking up with women, ending with the slogan “moderate drinkers wanted”.
OK, Maggie Timoney. That sounds like a plan. Make being drunk “uncool” in Ireland, I’m on board with that. While you’re at it why don’t you make water dry? Make the sky green and grass blue (shut up, Boise). Make steak gross, chocolate sour, and Sweedish Fish not stick to my teeth. Make breasts and, for some reason, gaped buttholes not sexy (I’d say vaginas but someone already did that to like 3/4 of them). Make music unlistenable and sports talk tolerable. Eliminate waiting rooms, make shots fun, and cure cancer. You know when you’re grocery shopping and use the cart as a scooter? Make that not the funnest thing in the world. While you’re at it, force my dick to grow and my tits to shrink. Force nerds to wear leather jackets and cool guys to rock pocket protectors. Change the entire way the world works. Give it your best shot. But, I’ve got news for you, Maggie. Being drunk is always going to be cool. When you’re happy it makes you happier, when you’re sad it makes you forget your sad. Everything about that is cool and always will be.