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This Seemingly Religious Girl's Tinder Bio Goes From 0-100 At Record Speed

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There’s nothing surprising here to anyone who’s known at least a few religious girls in their day; half of them are going to be completely insane prudes who want nothing to do with sex for fun and the other half are going to be completely off the rails, banging dudes like young Scarlett Johansson in elevators and maybe even getting knocked up in the process. But it’s just weird to see it laid out like that. Maybe it’s the kid in me who had to go to church until I was like 12 because my grandma was super into it (highlight: I was the star of the Christmas play with a flu when I was 10, put in a great performance, then went backstage and vomited into what I thought was a garbage can but was actually some sort of utensil storage) but it seems sort of creepy to think of going to a sermon and then banging it out after. I feel weird jerking off on Christmas day since that’s Jesus’s birthday, let alone tying a girl up after some Psalms. Doesn’t mean I respect her needs any less but it is a consideration for me at least, missionary max on the Lord’s day.

 

And sure I guess I won’t edit any of that out and we’ll go on with the rest of the Tinder blog. It’s a Super Bowl-sized edition for no particular reason so let’s waste no time getting into it. Thanks to everyone who’s sent something in, make sure to follow me and send your screenshots on Twitter, and away we go!

 

A

(via A)

 

AF-thesadthingissomeonesomewheredefinitelyhasthatfetish

The sad thing is someone somewhere definitely has that fetish (via AF)

 

 

KP1

KP2

And there’s DEFINITELY a fetish for this one (via KP)

 

 

GR-garfieldsuperlikedthefuckoutofher

The rare Garfield super-like (via GR)

 

 

AJ-sorryfeitsguessshesbackonthemarket

Not sure Feits cares but I guess that girl he went to the Pats game with is officially back on the market and grindin’ (via AJ)

 

 

 

BP-seriouslywhyevenmakeaprofile

Seriously why even make a profile? If anyone swipes right on this creepy ass profile just delete the app because you have an addiction (via BP)

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brostonian-cleverbiounlessitsametaphorfordatingher

Clever bio and also possibly a serviceable metaphor for dating her (via Brostonian)

 

 

wakaflocka

Nine months seems like a pretty reasonable “my boyfriend was killed” time frame to get back into the dating game (via Waka Flocka)

 

 

JC-hillaryclintonlovingcoinflipsandtinderspam

Hillary Clinton is going to try her damnedest to steal this election on the strength of coin flips and hateable Tinder spam (via JC)

 

 

AZ-superchillreactionfromaformertinderblogguest

Super chill reaction from a girl formerly featured in a Tinder blog (via AZ)

 

 

 

 

brking-veryrealisticphotoshopwork

Very realistic Photoshop work here (via Brking)

 

 

tker-thisiswhatarealmoneymakingstrippertinderbiolookslike

This is what a real money making stripper’s Tinder bio looks like, sad but true (via TKEr)

 

 

 

t-shedlovethattacobelllasagnaandthenleavingdiarrheashitsonyourdick

She’d love that Taco Bell lasagna I bet and then leave some vicious viral food recipe diarrhea all over your dick (via T)

 

 

MC-50yearoldwomanwithcookiesisatraplikea50yearoldguywithpokemoncards

A 50-year-old woman with cookies seems like a trap similar to a 50-year-old guy with Pokemon cards (via MC)

 

 

 

SW-justsprinklesomesaltinesinallherfoodandwatchthatbootysoftenuprealnice

Just sprinkle some ground up saltines in all her food and watch that booty soften up real nice (via SW)

 

 

BC-pairwithotherfitchick

…this one might be a bit less salvageable but great if you want to train to be a WWE wrestler (via BC)

 

 

c-shesheretalkingaboutassplayandshowingtitsoffbuticantgetoverhernamespelling

She’s here talking about ass play and showing tits off but I’d never get over the spelling of her name (via C)

 

 

 

 

glim

(via Glim)

 

 

SS-girlsaresodumbatscience

Girls are so dumb at science (via SS)

 

 

NB-namethataggressivequoteanswerattheend

Name that aggressive quote, your answer is at the end (via NB)

 

 

DE1

DE2

Team Pizza is back and better than ever (via DE)

 

 

NN-zerochill

These erotic writer chicks crack me up every time (via NN)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

TK-thisisprettyhotbutsounexpected

This is pretty hot but so unexpected from a chick wearing one of nana’s old couch covers (via TK)

 

 

 

kt-yourcompetitionfortheweekalreadyhadthemswipingrightwiththepayforeverything

Your competition for the week already them swiping right with the “pay for everything” offer (via KT)

 

 

sr-yourothercompetitionfortheweekmaylikefeetalittle

Your other competition for the week may like feet just a little and should probably be less subtle about it (via SR)

 

 

 

TIP-soundslikewhata40yearoldonhereshouldsay

Yeah that sounds like what a 40-year-old on here should be saying, on both fronts (via TIP)

 

 

 

 

MS-shesoundslikeacheapbutproductivedate

Probably need a little more to go on here but at least she sounds like a cheap but productive date (via MS)

 

 

creamy-weirdthatthisguyworseasweateronaboat

Weird that this guy wore a sweater onto a boat (via Creamy)

 

 

 

KOB-gottarespectagirlwillingtogothatdark

Gotta respect a girl willing to go that dark for a joke (via KOB)

 

 

 

TLB-thisweeksreminderyoudbeabletohavefairlynormalsexwithatranny

This week’s reminder you’d be able to have fairly normal sex with a tranny (via TLB)

 

 

BS-itwouldbemuchfunnierifnoneofyoutellherwhyshesgettingaddedsomuch

This will end well (via BS)

 

 

rydo-atleastsheshonestunliketheotherchicks

At least she’s honest unlike the other chicks on here (via Rydo)

 

 

R-illjustsayitthatsarealhotpregnantbody

I’ll just say it…that’s a real hot pregnant body as far as that goes (via R)

 

 

 

 

curly-comeonmanyoucantleavethisbaitoutthere

Come on man you can’t leave bait like this out here (via Curly)

 

 

MY-agofundmeforSBisthemostshamelessthingever

A GoFundMe for Spring Break might be the most shameless Tinder bio ever (via MY)

 

 

DCM-cantbelievetheyletpeoplewhoworkforterroristorgsontinder

I can’t believe they let people who work for terrorist organizations on Tinder (via DCM)

 

 

 

TB-nothingscreamsswiperightquitelikeapostproposalpic

Nothing screams swipe right quite like a post-proposal pic (via TB)

 

 

 

kayla-lolfuckoffxavier

Lol fuck off Xavier (via Kayla)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

P

(via P)

KG1

KG2

This 100% ends with a dude trying to suck you off while you play Mario Kart (via KG)

 

 

 

Cole-alwaysagoodideatomakeachickfeellikeahookerupfront

 

Always a good idea as a guy to make sure you make a chick feel like a hooker right from the jump (via Cole)

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MT-jennafromthechallengeonbumble

Jenna from The Challenge on Bumble is another big win for Bumble’s “hot girls who are on there but probably will never ever match or message you” business model (via MT)

 

 

mister

Tits out for the babies (via Mister)

 

 

 

 

 

MDL-soundslikewhatablurryfacemurdererwouldsay

Sounds just like what a blurry faced murderer would say (via MDL)

 

 

 

A2-INSERTIMHEREFORTHEGANGBANG

A1

A request for a “cute firm butt” and another man seems like it’s going to a dangerous place, that’s all I’m saying (via A)

 

 

 

KS1

KS2

See? Leave it to the older chicks for your bisexual Eiffel Tower needs,  no ambiguity here (via KS)

 

 

BS-NEEDSBLURclevelandtinder

When you tell me to think of “Cleveland Tinder” this is pretty close to what I’d imagine actually, maybe with more clothes but still (via BS)

 

 

And onto the hot and NSFW ones…

 

 

 

TMG-hottestgirlpantsuitever

Hottest pants suit a girl has ever worn (via TMG)

 

 

TM-bumbleandfautwogreatsdoinggreatthings

Bumble and FAU are two greats doing great things together (via TM)

 

 

 

LC-classynipplesareclassy

Classy nipples are art so I guess this is cool? (via LC)

 

 

J-hotnsfw

No one’s ever gotten murdered in a pic as bad as this girl in the back (via J)

 

 

CJK

Oh yeah Bumble please keep giving me homely girls with impressive jobs while guys get this chick who went to the same college as me. Fucking Bumble (via CJK)

 

 

GC-farawaybuttshotsalways

Far away butt shots, forever and always (via GC)

 

 

 

JD-zookeepertittieswhoknew

Zookeeper titties, who knew (via JD)

 

 

BM-hotnsfw

Not a big fan of huge tattoos on chicks but if you’re going to show one off, this is how you do it (via BM)

 

 

smells-hotnsfw

(via Smells)

 

 

creamy-hotnsfw

(via Creamy)

 

 

BB-hotnsfw

Fine butts but I’d definitely go with the one on the left even though you can’t see her face because fuck the John Lennon glasses on the one on the right (via BB)

 

 

SLC-nicebuttwithabruiseonitsendsarealmessage

Nice butt with a bruise right on it sends a real message on what you’re all about (via SLC)

 

 

And here we are at the end of this week’s edition. I hope you all have a great Super Bowl, send me your screenshots on Twitter, the answer to the quote is Rihanna, and happy swiping!