All The Info You Need In Order To Understand The Hunger Games Movie You're Seeing This Weekend

If you’re like me- smart, good looking, and educated, you’ll be going to see the new Hunger Games movie this weekend. But I understand some of you were born with that Walt Jr chromosome and somehow missed out on the books and the first movie. And that’s okay. I forgive you. So I’ve put together a quick recap of the first movie so you go in with all the knowledge you need to understand what’s going on:
 

That is Katniss. She is the star of the Hunger Games. She has a very nice rack and recently chopped off her hair and admitted to shitting her pants. We used to date but now are on a break because I don’t find Macaulay Culkin attractive.
 

That is Peeta. He is a dreamboat and if you don’t think so, you are a virgin because you are insecure and stupid.
 

That is Lenny Kravitz. Most known for wearing a huge scarf. I can’t remember his character’s point because I can’t stop laughing about his huge scarf whenever I see him.
 

That is Haymitch. He is the person who helps Katniss win in the first movie. Also, he’s always remarkably baked and didn’t know Liam and Chris Hemsworth were brothers. Skip ahead to 3:50.
 

That is Ginger Tits. She does something and I am very attracted to her.
 

So if you missed the first one and are going to see the second movie this weekend, you are welcome. That’s why I’m here. To help you, the common man.