Miltons Pimp My Wedding

Feitelberg1/29/2016 9:25 PM

Miltons is going to hook up entire weddings, up to 8 groomsmen, with all the gear they need. Send in your email to pimpmylook@barstoolsports.com and we’ll have stoolies vote for the winners. We’re loading up for the next wedding to pimp so send in your candidates now. Our next winner will be selected February 5th.

This Weeks Contestant

Hey Barstool,

I’m getting married this June at Stratton Mountain in Vermont. I’d like to enter the Milton’s Pimp My Wedding contest so I can save my groomsmen some money on the suits I’ll be forcing them to buy for the big day. If I were a better friend (read: rich like Prez) I’d pay for it all myself, but unfortunately I don’t have a smut blog to sell, so I thought I’d try to win them some instead.

I’ve got 7 guys that will be standing next to me come June, so for your readers I present, “The Definitive Types of Groomsmen List”:

The Brother / Best Man:

[Just a 30 year old dude at the Ed Sheeran concert]

My younger brother has put up with a lot during his 31 years of life. From never having the chance to beat me in bball or pingpong, to taking some poundings as a kid to the point that he had to fake being dead on several occasions to get me stop. If anyone has earned the right to stand next to me as I give a woman our last name, it’s him.

The Childhood Friend:

[The picture says it all]

We’ve known each other since his mom was brainwashing us in Sunday School. He’s probably seen my junk more times than my fiance and we are literally blood brothers.

(Side note: Could you imagine if your kid came home and told you he became blood brothers with some kid at school. How many miliseconds would go by before the mom would have him on the way to the hospital and suing the school district)

The High School Buddy:

[The least dramatic photo I could find of him]

The first guy freshman year to invite me over to his house to spend the night. Over 4 years of high school and 5 1/2 years of college (we’ll get to this), I spent more nights at his house than all other locations combined besides my parents.

The College Roommate:

[Reenactment of him taking that phone call from my Dad]

We lived on the same floor freshman year and lived together for 3/4’s of our sophomore year before I got suspended for throwing a cinderblock off a balcony (Thus resulting in 5 1/2 years of college before graduating — wasn’t the worst consequence to my actions). After the school contacted my parents, he was the one to answer the phone (pre cell phone days) when my Dad called and was able to lessen the verbal beating I took. I owe him at least this much for dealing with that phone call.

The “Minority” Friends:

[Both wearing their traditional Jewish beach sweaters]

I grew up in Maine, went to school at Ithaca College, live in Boston and am getting married in Vermont. Needless to say, my wedding will be pretty white. Luckily, I met a pair of good Jewish friends in school that just happened to move Boston later on, and allow me to feel as if I am actually a culturally diverse individual.

The Bride’s Brother / The Wildcard:

[Typical millennial attire?]

You never know what you’re gonna get when it comes to your fiances brother, but I think I lucked out on this one. He’s 10 years younger than me, but doesn’t seem to mind it when I come over and pretend to know what’s going on with the millennial generation, and doesn’t hold it against me that I don’t have a Snapchat account.

Thanks for your consideration and Viva La Stool!