If Twitter Stock Went Down TODAY, Twitter Is Doomed For Eternity

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I’ve been optimistic about my handful of Twitter stock. It has to go up, right? Well I think I’ve officially given up. Today was one of the biggest days in Twitter history. You have Kanye firing off Tweets at Wiz, black people going crazy, white people going crazy, entire Internet-using world going crazy. Then you have Amber Rose firing back calling Kanye a #FingersInTheBootyAssBitch. She sent a tweet to the ENTIRE WORLD calling Kanye a #FingersInTheBootyAssBitch and Twitter still went down 1.35%. RIDICULOUS. If Twitter can’t make money on a day we learn Kanye is into butt play, on a day Kanye said this

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then Twitter will never make money. I know there are a lot of people out there who don’t use Twitter. I get that. But Twitter is EVERYWHERE. Every movie poster. Hashtags for TV shows in the bottom corner of every screen. For some fucking reason ALL STAR GAME VOTING is done via Twitter. And what happens? How does Twitter do?

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They turn their stock into a god damn bunny slope. I’m lucky as fuck I’m poor or else I’d be Portnoy having to sell my company to stay afloat because that idiot Jack over at Twitter can’t figure out how to profit off a every major celebrity, athlete, movie, tv show, and special event using their platform. Every single one. Cheers to being poor.