The DC - A third-grade boy in Newton County, Ga. has been suspended from school for two days for crushing up some Smarties candies and snorting the resulting sugary dust. The boy, nine-year-old Demitri Santiago, is a student at Porterdale Elementary School. According to a note he brought home to his mother, a teacher busted him for possession of banned objects. The letter noted that the boy had been “sniffing a powdery substance” at school. Crushing up Smarties and similar candy and then inhaling the smaller particles could be becoming a trend among these kids today, reports local NBC affiliate WXIA. The station interviewed Chelsi Lewis, the mother of the suspended third-grader. “He told me he had witnessed a student in his class, and he actually watched her. He watched her crush it up, inhale it.” explained Lewis. “And I asked him, ‘What made you so curious about it?’ He said her reaction was like, ‘WHOO!’” Smarties give you a sweet sugar rush, apparently. The school district issued a statement as well. “The health, safety and well-being of our students are all very important to us,” the statement said. “This activity has the potential to be very dangerous for children and parents need to be aware of the possible health risks.” Lewis said she pulled up some information online about the various health risks associated with ingesting Smarties. Those risks include brain damage and death.
What are these kids thinking? So much extra work. Back in my day, we did’t snort smarties. We snorted pixie sticks. We didn’t waste our time with the mortar and pestle crushing of the candy like we were in science class. No time for that when lunch period was only 30 minutes. Pixie stick straight to the dome or get the fuck out. That’s the pure stuff. All this genetically modified smarties shit is for the birds. You think Gus would have pushed smarties? No chance.
But you know what would have happened if we got caught? Fucking NOTHING. I’m not even that old, and I can’t remember anyone getting suspended for anything unless it was one of those awesome lunch time fights. Nothing in school beat a fight. The feeling of the entire cafeteria exploding in excitement because two kids were exchanging haymakers was a feeling that can’t really be duplicated any other time in life.
PS: My answer to why I did anything from now on is going to be “WHOO!” Game, set, match when you answer with WHOO!
PPS: Top candies to sneak in class: Airheads, Jolly Ranchers, Warheads. Top snacks to bring in your lunch box: Fruit by the Foot, Zebra Cakes, Dunkaroos. And let it be said, you have to be a fool to even consider Fruit Roll Ups over Fruit by the Foots. That’s like buying unfrosted PopTarts.