Breaking: There Are Panthers Players Who Eat At Waffle House

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We’re two days into NFC Championship week, and so far the two headlining stories about the Panthers have been about hoverboards being banned in the facility BEFORE CHRISTMAS and now today an emergency newsflash that the players enjoy Waffle House. Somewhere in our 16-1 run there was a point that we were supposed to be added to the conversation, and I just realized TODAY that I don’t think we ever were. As of right now, I’m pretty sure there’s a group of people from Auburn who still follow Cam, and then both of the Boston College fans are keeping up with Kuechly. That’s it. Other than that I think we’re still just an up and coming expansion franchise in people’s minds. It’s crazy. Where did we go wrong? What do we attribute this to? Are we boring to watch? Should we stop blowing teams out? Don’t take this the wrong way, I love Waffle House. I never go because you have to walk through a group of like 40 cops to find a table at the one in Chapel Hill. I’m pretty sure they have the deputy at the register and sheriff on the eggs. It’s real weird. But in theory, I truly am a huge Waffle House guy. However, WE ARE HOSTING THE NFC CHAMPIONSHIP FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME THIS SUNDAY. Let’s talk about that! Going forward let’s make a deal: for every two human interest pieces y’all do on the Panthers, do one story pertaining to football. An analysis of the last game. A scouting report on the next opponent. I don’t care. It’s not that I’m itching to read it, I just know that if people really respected us they would write them. We’re the quietest 16-1 team of all time. We’re high blood pressure, you don’t hear about us until its too late. I’m not saying I think we are going to handle the Cards fairly easily and then go on to win the Super Bowl—I do think that, but that’s not what I’m saying. I’m saying that its absurd how the Panthers are being dealt with in the media. Its like they aren’t even familiar enough with us to have the courage to make an analytic observation. “Hmm, I don’t really know… How about another piece on how they give the ball away after they score?!” We’re the most likable team in the NFL! Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad that people seem to like what we’ve got going. However, NO 16-1 team should be the most likable team in the NFL. If we got the attention we deserved people would be so salty. Instead, the only haters we have are a couple of deep-seeded racists who don’t like Cam because he doesn’t fit their idea of what a professional quarterback is supposed to be (white). Other than that, I think everyone is just like, “Haha Panthers. Dab! Lol!! Good times.”

Going forward into these next two games, I’ll take it upon myself to let it be known what the 2016 Carolina Panthers have. And that is as follows: The best cornerback in the league. The best linebacker in the league. The number one scoring offense. The MVP at quarterback. A lot of guys who love Waffle House.