Von Miller Went Home Sick from Practice Because He Ate Bad Mozzarella Sticks When He Went to See Star Wars

First let’s just assume Von Miller actually ate some bad movie food and didn’t roll his dick off on Tuesday night and subsequently felt super hungover on Wednesday. That’s a possibility thing that definitely happened but let’s just go with his poop jokes and assume he’s telling the truth. The whole comparison of movie food to regular gas is preposterous. That’s the kind of thinking that got him in the position he’s in in the first place. It’s not like putting regular gas in a Ferrari, it’s like putting vanilla extract in a Ferrari. Technically there’s alcohol in it but that doesn’t make it fuel. You’ll just smell really good when the tow truck driver gets there. Just like technically movie theater mozzarella has cheese and breading but that doesn’t make it food. And in this scenario you don’t get delicate vanilla scents.

Everything other than popcorn and candy at the movies is playing with fire. Does a movie theater look like an Italian joint to you? You a gonna order some linguine after your antipasto? No? Then always skip the stuff that a bunch of stoned teenagers will almost certainly screw up. I thought this was common knowledge. The hot dogs at movie theaters should all look like the ones Kramer ate at The Alex theater. Untouched for years and years. No one should be eating those things. Popcorn and boxed candy. Tough to screw that up and they still burn the popcorn. Anything else is crazy to eat.

Ts and Ps for Von’s toilet though. I’ll shed a monster Moreno tear for it.