My Blind Hatred Of Life (Or What's Left Of It) Gives You These Thoughts On Chip Kelly Being Named The San Francisco 49ers Head Coach

What a disaster. Almost poetic. A pure Shakespearean tragedy in modern times. Chip Kelly lands dick first into another job while the Eagles are in TOTAL disarray at the top. Jeffrey Lurie’s “Gold Standard” of an organization is now getting turned down by 69-year-old grandfathers and are forced to bank on a guy who was coaching at the Calvary Baptist Academy in 2008 (But keep on listening to your now competitor Andy Reid, Jeff, I’m sure Doug Pederson is a sure heck-fire of a head coach). I’ll tell you what, America, Chip Kelly will win out in San Fransicso. Why? 3 reasons:

A) Philadelphia is cursed. There is no way around it. This city was apparently built on an Indian Burial Ground where pedophiles sacrificed puppies with Lucifer himself. God not only won’t let us have nice things but will do everything he can to rub it in our face.

2) Chip finally has his “ideal” QB in Colin Kaepernick. Yes, he’s a headcase. Yes, he doesn’t work hard. Yes, has as much natural ability as any QB in the league. He’s already had success, too, if you remember. It won’t be that difficult to get him back to dick slinging levels.

Tres) Tom Gamble. If you recall, Mr. Gamble was Chip’s hand picked (and previously very successful) player personall director when he came to Philly. A guy Kelly could relate with and trust when it came to GM moves. Also, if you recall, that snake fucker Howie Roseman not only had Gamble fired after the 2014 season without Kelly’s approval or knowledge, but had him unceremoniously do a Dead Man Walking march out of the Novacare Complex while escorted by security. Gee, now you wonder why Kelly wanted full control after last season?

The third point alone signaled the beginning of the end for this franchise. If Gamble wasn’t kicked in a dick by that weasel Howie, Chip would’ve never asked for full control and we’d all be basking in sunshine and eating lollipops in the playoffs right now. But nope. Some little fucker who never played a down in his life had a personal vendetta to get back to the top grappling up Jeffrey Lurie’s left nut.

Thanks, Howie. When the Eagles finally kill my father, expect the funeral bill to be sent your way.