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The Playboy Mansion Is Up For Sale. All You Need Is $200 Million And Agree To Let Hef Live There Forever

hef pb


CNN Money- Playboy Enterprises has listed the iconic Playboy Mansion for $200 million. But there’s a catch: Hef is included in the deal. Amenities at the 20,000 square foot, 29-room party palace include a catering kitchen, wine cellar, home theater, gym, tennis court and swimming pool with a “large, cave-like grotto.” There’s also a separate “game house” and a four-bedroom guest home. The mansion “is one of a select few private residences in L.A. with a zoo license,” according to the property’s realtors. Hugh Hefner, famous for his in-house bunny harem and wild celebrity-studded parties, will remain a resident. The elderly founder of Playboy Magazine must be allowed to live at the mansion for the rest of his life, according to the sale terms.


You have to respect Hef for throwing the terms that he gets to live in the mansion for the rest of his life.  The man has balls.  Old, likely extremely wrinkly balls.  But when those balls have been drained into the hottest chicks on Earth for decades and decades, they likely grow at an alarming rate.  Which leads us to an 89-year-old saying you can buy his house for $200 million but he isn’t going to leave.  Because lets be honest, Hef’s best days are behind him.  You do NOT want to watch somebody grow old(er?) and approach the century mark.  That’s why old folks homes exist.  So you can pass off your old family members to people like this guy.

Now the next question is would you want to buy the Playboy Mansion for $200 million if you had the money? Sure it’s a great conversation piece and the Holy Grail for anybody to ever dabble in smut. But there is one HUUUUUGE problem with buying this place, outside of the geriatric resident that would refuse to leave. You know how hotel rooms become a Picasso painting when a blacklight is on because of all the old splooge? That’s what the Playboy Mansion is probably like a millionfold. It’s like Kenny Powers in This Is The End. Cum everywhere. Cum in the kitchen. Cum on the art. And I am pretty sure the grotto’s ratio of cum to water is like Chernin’s ownership of Barstool to Pres’. 51% cum, 49% H2O. If you are someone that loves living in a house of dead sperm, that’s on you. Plus managing a zoo strikes me as the hardest thing ever.  Fuck that shit.