Someone Must Have Made Fun Of Kim Jong Un's New Fedora Because North Korea Is Setting Off Nukes Again

TOKYO — North Korea announced Wednesday that it tested its first hydrogen bomb, a major leap in its nuclear program that promptly drew international condemnation. A statement by the secretive nation’s government said “the first H-bomb test was successfully conducted” at 10 a.m. local time Wednesday.

The statement, carried by the state-run Korean Central News Agency, said in a “world-startling event,” North Korea has “proudly joined the advanced ranks of nuclear weapons states” and is “equipped with the most powerful nuclear deterrent.”

The announcement came soon after a magnitude-5.1 earthquake was reported by the U.S. Geological Service 30.4 miles from the city of Kilju, North Korea, where the country’s Punggye-ri nuclear test site is located.

That is the same area where North Korea conducted nuclear tests in 2006, 2009 and 2013. South Korean President Park Geun-hye called for a swift, accurate analysis of the North’s claim at an emergency security meeting Wednesday. “It’s not only grave provocation of our national security, but also an act that threatens our lives and future. It’s also a direct challenge to world peace and stability,” she said. She said the South will sternly deal with any additional provocation by the North, and ordered the military to maintain readiness in cooperation with U.S. troops.

The U.N. Security Council is holding an emergency meeting on the reported test Wednesday, according to the Associated Press and Reuters. A television anchor in North Korea said in a propaganda-heavy statement that the North tested a miniaturized hydrogen bomb, elevating the country’s nuclear prowess “to the next level” and providing it with a weapon against the U.S. and others. The TV anchor said the test went off perfectly.

A large crowd celebrated in front of Pyongyang’s main train station as the announcement was broadcast on a big screen. North Korean university student Ri Sol Yong, 22, said: “If we didn’t have powerful nuclear weapons, we would already have been turned into the slaves of the U.S.”

This is one of those times where blog life and the real world intersect and it fucking SUCKS. Like oh yeah, that fat little asian dude who is obsessed with Dennis Rodman, weird haircuts and fedoras? Yeah, he can blow up the world if he felt like it. Really puts a wet blanket on all the jokes and fun we have with Kim Jong Un, when he reminds us he’s a piece of shit dictator that probably will fly off the handle at some point and start blowing shit up. I don’t know Kim, I just like you more when you wear funny shit and take bloated pictures where everyone else in the photo looks like they want to cry and die. Do more of that and less of this shit, that is if you care about your reputation around these parts which is really just people on twitter and the internet who don’t read the news like me and would rather laugh at you. Such a fucking bummer. Someone offer him a Horace Grant signed jersey or something to stop doing this. No way he says no.

I will say this though, being in North Korea and having a successful nuclear test occur has to be a pretty awesome feeling. Like the 1980 US Hockey team or your country winning the World Cup. That type of national event doesn’t happen on a random Tuesday very often. Not saying I want to be in North Korea but this one guy saying how a Nuclear Weapon keeps him out of American slavery has to be a pretty cool feeling no?

“If we didn’t have powerful nuclear weapons, we would already have been turned into the slaves of the U.S.”

That’s like North Korean Big Cat talking about the Cubs winning the World Series. Need that shit.