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A Complete Ranking Of Who The Eagles Should Hire As Their New Head Coach

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An accurate look at how I would want the new HC look upon the first meeting after being hired:

Will that happen? Absolutely not. Jeffrey Lurie and his little shrew are going to hire a borderline “Yes Man” who will understand and follow the culture they wish to re-establish. Unfortunately, that culture means more of making a Laissez-faire work environment that caters to Lurie’s ego rather than winning. I want someone who comes in and establishes their HNIC attitude to change what essentially hasn’t worked since 1960. So here is who I would want to come in and (TL;DR – Just prepare your life to be abused for when they offer the job to Sean McDermitt or Doug Pederson).

1) Sean Payton

This one is an absolute no-brainer. The man is established, smart, and already worked in Philly before so he understands what it’s like here (a fact that’s being talked about WAY too much in this hiring process. Just get me someone who can fucking coach and win, not someone who will have an open heart and coddle everyone when we lose.). Giving up a second-round pick (that we don’t have in 2015) is also a no-brainer, too. I am outright giddy at what a Sam Bradford/Sean Payton marriage would bring to the table. In my mind Bradford is eerily similar to a once injury plagued, but accurate QB with iron balls Drew Brees after he got passed over by Miami. I’d take that combination than a first time HC with a band-aid, Fitzpatrick-like QB or a project drafted in the 3rd round any day of the week. Payton is also one of the few options out there who would actually give this team greater possible potential from this point forward than Chip Kelly would have. Everyone else would force this team to take a drastic step back.

2) Josh McDaniels

I’m extremely cautious about hiring anyone that fell off of Lord Belichick’s coaching tree because, basically, every single one of them has landed tits up. And tits up hard. Charlie Weis, Romeo Crenell, Jim Schwartz, Eric Mangini, even McDaniels himself. I’ll give Bill O’Brien the benefit of the doubt right now, but I guess these guys have failed because they tried to be too much like BB but there’s only one Belichick in the end? I don’t know, but I think that was definitely Josh McDaniels’ downfall during his first run in Denver. He tried too hard to be a hardo but in reality he was a dick whippersnapper straight out of the womb. McDaniels is going to get another well deserved chance, and I think he’d learn his lesson from his time in Denver.

3) Adam Gase

I guess I like him because everyone is telling me to like him? I mean, if I had HGH Peyton throwing to Demarious Thomas, Emmanuel Sanders, Eric Decker, and a healthy, young(ish) Wes Welker before his mind became mush, I’d look like a genius, too. Granted, Gase has done decent things this year in Chicago with Cutler and the gang, but I don’t love him solely because he’s definitely the “Sexy” choice for the next NFL head coach. I’ll take him because he’s 37, hungry, and well respected around the league, but this could be a real boom or bust hire.

4) John Harbaugh?

As unrealistic as it gets and he’d probably be number one and done on this list if there were a snowball’s chance in hell of it actually happening, but there are some rumblings that the former Eagles ST and secondary coach is up for grabs. Bottom line is the cost would be too much and, yeah, it just ain’t happening. It doesn’t matter how much Jeffrey Lurie has a hard-on for the move it’ll be impossible to complete. Next question.

5) Sean McDermitt

Sigh. And it sucks because this is probably the most realistic hire. Lurie wants the Reid culture back so bad he’ll reach out to someone he let Big Red fire as DC in favor of his motherfucking offensive line coach. Think about that for a second. And yes, I get Sean is a “Philly guy” and is having a great run leading the Panthers D, but come on. If my mother had the best CB and ILB on Earth she’d be a NFL head coaching candidate by now, too. PASS.

UPDATE: 5a) Hue Jackson

Completely spaced on Hue Jackson because, honestly, Hue Jackson is completely forgettable. And as bad as that sounds, even if he is well regarded around the league, he’ll still unfortunately be high on Lurie’s wish list.

6) Pat Shurmer

There. I said it. I don’t like it one bit, but I said it. Shurmer is very well respected around these parts and I think would run a Chip-like hybrid offense that may actually work. It’ll never happen cause this city would lose it’s collective shit, but it wouldn’t be the worst football move.

7) An Unknown

John Harbaugh was sniped as the Eagles secondary coach and Andy Reid as the Packers QB guy. Both were relatively unknown and went onto good things. It’s a HUGE risk, but scouring the ranks for a young gunner with balls and heart may not be the worst move in the world.

8) A “Meh” Guy Like Detroit DC Teryl Austin and New York Giants OC Ben McAdoo

Meh. Hiring someone like these guys would just be saying there’s no hot chicks left at the bar so let’s settle for an average drunk at closing time. Not awful, but definitely not a way to win in life.

8-50) Just Give A Drunken Chimp A Clipboard And A Whistle And Let’s See What Happens

Because the result would be the same as any of these next guys.

51) Jon Gruden, Bill Cowher, Jimmy Johnson…

You don’t win Super Bowls, get out of the game, make a lot of money with your tits dangling in the sun, then come back on an itch and actually win. You just don’t. You lose the edge after awhile and hiring Gruden would be a major mistake. The second that itch is scratched with a mediocre season it’s right back to TV while we’re here with our dicks in our hands, again.

52) Duce Staley

Love me some 22, and he should stay on as RB coach, but the Rooney Rule had to sadly be fulfilled somehow.

1,593) Doug Pederson

My sick mind kind of hopes this happens solely because there would be a legitimate excuse to storm the Novacare Center like it’s the motherfucking Bastille. There would be no survivors and Howie and Lurie would be guillotined in the streets.