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RIP 2015 Philadelphia Eagles - The Eulogy


This Eagles season sucked. Absolutely sucked. Nothing was fun about it. When they loss they lost bad and when they won they tortured us in the process. Look at the wins. The only only one that was an “easy” win was the game against the Giants at home. That’s it. Every other game they started out like pure shit in the first half or in the second half, the clock ran out before they could give it away. Kelly’s management of a 4 minute offense was trash and the defense went from a strong point of this team to the Achilles heal in the latter half of the season. No team can let that happen and still be successful.

Kelly’s acquisitions of Murray and Kiko were gruesome. Kiko, fucking up some of his ACL, and then coming back to play on it and playing at 10%. Demarco was poised as a power back but Chip continued to run him East and west gaining absolute dog shit causing Murray to play less and causing a media hell storm. How do you fix it? You’re not getting rid of either. Let kiko get some rehab and another belly shirt while you Chipper figures out how to go under center to accommodate your prized running back.

The O-line was absolutely horrendous but what do you expect when you get rid of two linemen and replace them with three journeymen? Then there is Jason Peters, who I have said many times is exactly like the dog in Marley and Me when Marley starts to get old and Owen Wilson finds him outside dying in the rain. That’s JP. Every fucking play he is down, and not like out of breath down, but like they have to help him off on a cart three times a month down. How he got a Pro Bowl nod is still straight up mesmerizing.

The draft is the biggest problem here. Granted, I think Nelson Agholor will be a talented wide out possibly one day. however, when you have your past two first round picks(Don’t forget our favorite, Marcus Smith) be such absent parts of this team, you can’t be a good football team. Go look at the best teams in the NFL, they all have drafted really well. The Eagles have not. Granted, the additions of Hicks, Matthews, Rowe and Shepard were all great mid-round picks, but you can’t have your past two first round picks be that useless and be successful. They are suppose to be bonafide, dominant, NFL ready players and these guys are not that. How do you fix this? Fucking draft better. Duh.

Lastly, the Curious case of Sam Bradford. Honestly? I don’t fucking know what to do. There are days I wake up and I say we should sign him for 3-5 years and roll with him. There’s also days where I think we should look into bringing RGIII And Kaepernick in here so I can see a QB keeper some plays during the read option. Regardless, anyone who wants to blame this season on Bradford can go burn in the same hell with those believers of Tim Tebow, because Sammy B had a nice little year. Yes, missing time with the injury and still having those times where he looked brain damage were less than great, but overall he proved he can be solid. I’m still just heart broken from not getting Marcus and reuniting the beautiful Ohana. What should we do? Franchise tag Sammy Sleeves and figure it out next year.

Overall, this team is just an 8-8, 7-9 team right now. With a better Oline, better play from the linebacker, and a new D coordinator, this team could win the East next year without a problem. However, Chip Kelly the GM must learn how to draft better or we will be royally fucked for a long time. But I got to meet the Eagle’s season MVP pregame on Saturday and talk to him about my madden franchise so the season wasn’t a total failure. We’re pals now.