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I Think I Actually Feel Bad For JPP After Finding Out He Can't Play Madden Anymore

Sorry about that video thumbnail from TMZ, because JPP’s hand is definitely NSFL

I admit that I was at the forefront of clowning JPP after news of him blowing off a few digits broke back in July. I was retweeting pictures of Chubbs from Happy Gilmore and gems like this


Now I don’t feel bad for JPP because he has shown some humility or real human emotions. I mean, I am not HAPPY he blew two fingers because he was a grown-ass man playing with fireworks. As a Giants fan, I am actually still very UNHAPPY that he did that. Sure playing with a club seems and looks badass. But when you watch quarterbacks maneuver out of arm tackles because he lacks fingers, it drives you crazy.

The real reason I feel bad for him is because there are few things I love more than playing video games. Mario Kart and Madden are forever my Top 2 games. I still get excited the night before Madden comes out, and that’s even with the fact that I barely end up getting more than 20 games in a year now because I work a full-time job and have a baby.  I also feel bad for JPP because based on what his hand looks like, it seems almost impossible for him to easily rub one out if he is a righty. So if he wants to crack stick, he either had to become a lefty or evolve to some sort of a three-knuckle shuffle. In the words of Dr. Ian Malcolm, life, um, finds a way.

Then again, JPP is a millionaire that will still sign a huge contract this summer, plays real-life Madden and can have supermodels suck him off whenever he wants. So I guess I don’t feel that bad for him after all.  Please sack Teddy Bridgewater 10 times on Sunday since our offense just lost its only real weapon because he wanted to act like an asshole on Sunday.  And please don’t sign with a division rival this summer.