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I'm Pretty Sure ABC News Is Trolling With This Top Baby Names of 2015 List

First things first, Lachlan isn’t actually a name. I understand that it’s on this top baby name list, but it’s not a name. It’s a bunch of letters put together to try and sound like a name, but there’s no actual Lachlans out there. But onwards we go…

ABC News – Nameberry just released its list of the top baby names of 2015. According to Nameberry creator Pamela Satran, some of the hottest baby names in 2015 were based on literary characters. Esme and Kai are examples of this trend. “Esme and Kai are both names we’ve seen quietly gathering steam over the past few years,” said Satran. “Esme has the classic literary credibility of other girls’ names that are newly stylish…this is from the J.D. Salinger story, ‘For Esme, With Love and Squalor.’ It’s also got a ‘Twilight’ connection, via the vampire matriarch in the Twilight books.” “Kai is multi-ethnic,” Satran continued. “It means sea in Hawaiian and also exists as a name in Japanese, Maori, and Navajo, and also has a connection to children’s literature as the name of the little boy who is enchanted in ‘The Snow Queen.'”

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This is the thing with baby names, is nobody wants to name their kid anything normal now. Nobody is naming their kid the classics like Michael or Josh anymore. Every kid has to be a special snowflake and have names like Thad and Vampiro and Blaze. Basically parents are just trying to give birth to WWE wrestler. So what’s happening is the normal names are the new hipster names and your child’s 4th grade class is going to be littered with kids named Sven and Arugula.

Now I did do some blog research and learned that the tweet was actually semi-trolling, and those names are the “hottest new names”, but not in fact the top baby names of the year. So that is a sigh of relief.

As for the actual most popular names, kind of weird. The girls names are decent-

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Not the worst list. Few head scratchers, particularly Charlotte being number 1. All I think about when I hear the name Charlotte is that’s where the NASCAR hall of fame is. And the fact people are naming their kid Charlotte because that’s what they named the fucking royal baby in the UK, woof. Since when do we copy off the UK? Be better. And Eleanor, big dyke.

The guys names though, yikes. You can tell chicks are the decision makers when it comes to this. 100000%.

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I’ve never heard of anyone under the age of 85 named Ezra, but now that’s the most popular name for a boy? Asher? Atticus at number 3? What? From To Kill a Mockingbird? Who the fuck reads in this country? Is Snape number 12? Milo? Jasper? Is this the most popular dog names? Here, Jasper, here boy (no offense, just always liked this one dog down the block named Jasper.).

What I learned from additional #BlogResearch is names go in waves. Like old-timey names are coming back into fashion now because everyone wants to be different, so then everyone starts naming their kids Ruth and Gertrude again and the names go back out of style. As a society though, let’s just try not to name too many kids Lachlan. Let’s be better than that. They want you to name your kid Lachlan. They want you to. A key is not to name your kid Lachlan.