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The Organizer Of Santacon Drops Some All Time Gems In An Interview About How People Hate Their Bar Crawl

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So the people at Gothamist interviewed the organizer of SantaCon and he dropped a few great lines about the infamous Santa-themed bar crawl:

We see a lot of behavior from people who—which granted, could be anybody, any time, at any weekend—but when you put everybody in a uniform like that, and then you see them puking on street corners and having sex outside of Duane Reade…

Inside, actually. And it wasn’t sex, it was a handjob.

I’ve been to a few office parties in my day, but I don’t think I’ve ever given anyone a handjob in a Duane Reade.

You might not have.

 

“It wasn’t sex, it was a handjob” is definitely the most SantaCon Organizer line of all time.  And to be fair, a handjob is like three stages removed from sex.  A handy is probably first base these days for high schoolers.  And to be honest, there is no office party I would ever want to go to where a handjob at Duane Reade wasn’t within the realm of possibilities.  Now the people banging in the office at the beginning Die Hard?  That is sex at a Christmas party.  Lame 80’s boobs were out and everything.

 

You could argue that it’s also a public nuisance.

I think any large gathering of people can be seen as a public nuisance.

 

I definitely agree with the Head Santa In Charge on this one.  Any large group of people that I am not with is a public nuisance in my book.  Hell, the entire city of New York is one giant public nuisance when you think about it.

 

What sort of advice do you give people?

One of our main bits of advice is the five fucks of Santa: Don’t fuck with kids, don’t fuck with cops, don’t fuck with New York City, don’t fuck with venues, and don’t fuck with Santa’s charity mission.

 

Not going to lie, I thought the “Five Fucks of Santa” were going to be a lot more fun to read about.  Not sure what they would entail, but I thought it would involve some combination of beards, candy canes, a big old stomach, egg nog, and elves.  Nope, just some common sense and a few clever lines to keep the P.R. police off their asses.

 

That is the thing about New Yorkers though, because everybody thinks that they own New York, you know?

But does anyone own New York?

No.

 

Fuck that shit.  Godzingis owns New York.  Idiots.

 

Also, the location for the next SantaCon was announced today.

Patch- A SantaCon organizer has confirmed to Patch that this year’s route will begin at McCarren Park in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, and end in Manhattan’s East Village. Thousands of costumed Santas will convene in the park for a photo op around 10 a.m. on Saturday, Dec. 11, then head to nearby Williamsburg bars (in the vicinity of Bedford Avenue) to begin the cross-borough bar crawl, according to our source. The exact route will be released via a yet-to-be-named media outlet on Wednesday night and Thursday morning, Norman Siegel, the official SantaCon attorney, told Patch.

 

This is the best news I have heard all week.  We officially have the date and location for the biggest battle between hipsters and Santa Con yet.  A bunch of drunk idiots dressed in their red velour uniforms marching into the hipsters’ headquarters to kick off their yearly shenanigans.  A declaration of war if I have ever heard one.  Nowhere will be safe.  The sidewalks will be covered in puke, trendy restaurants over run with sweaty, loud over-served Santas and again, people getting HJs in the “good” Duane Reade (I feel like every New York neighborhood has a “good” Duane Reade and a “shitty” Duane Read).  And the hipsters will fire back with whiny tweets and the most DIABOLICAL eye rolls you have ever seen while still being dressed like the biggest dickheads in town.

As someone that will be avoiding Williamsburg like the plague Saturday, my Christmas wish is that some sort of earthquake causes Williamsburg to break away from the United States and both groups are forced to live together in harmony before the land mass ends up sinking to the bottom of the ocean.