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Ranking The Bangability Of The 5 Oldest People in the World, All Who Were Born in the 1800s

https://twitter.com/huffpost50/status/565525897080737795

 
Saw this on Huff Po today. The 5 oldest people in the world, all born in the 1800s, and all women.

These supercentenarians, as they're called, have lived through world wars, the sinking of the Titanic, the space race and much much more. But what's even more astounding is that when they were born, the life expectancy for people in the U.S. was just around 60.


 
Just as they would want, let's rank their bangability before they finally die, even though they've all been dead for quite a long time. (The second you are able to wipe your own ass you're a person, and the second you are unable to wipe your own ass, you're dead.)
 
5) Emma Morano-Martinuzzi, 115, Italy

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The youngest but least bangable. She drinks a glass of milk for dinner and "She goes to bed at around 7 p.m. and wakes up just before 6 a.m." BORING. Jesus Christ (who she sat next to at graduation), get a little spunk in your life. You're 115, live a little. Most incredibly boring 115 year old of all time. Would not bang (would but not tell anyone). (Would tell everyone.)
 
4) Gertrude Weaver, 116, Arkansas

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I can't lie, I love Gertrude. But when it comes down to it, she's a religious wackadoo. "She says it's her faith that keeps her going. "You have to follow God. Don't follow anyone else". No thanks. We've all done it. All tried to change the goodie-two-shoes religious girl. It's torture. You think you finally made progress and NOPE, don't put that finger there! Nope, can't go out, gotta be up for church in the morning. And that's why I loved her at first sight, you always need a challenge. She's that challenge. But bangable, that's something she's not. She's still giving handies at 116 and thinking BJs are special. Grow up, Gertrude.
 
3) Jeralean Talley, 115, Michigan

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I'm fairly sure she's the babe on the left. Looks REALLY good for 115. Really good. She seems like a great gal. Loves her great-great-grandkids and fishing and such, but I cannot get over those hands.
 

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Something about those hands are scaring me off. Makes me think she gives teethy BJs too. So while she's wholesome and all, she doesn't scream "must-fuck" to me.
 
2) Misao Okawa, 116, Japan

World's Oldest Woman Turns 115
DSLs like you read about. She's the oldest person on the planet right now. We're talking a multitude of bucket-list items by fucking Misao: Asian, great-great-grandmother, Asian great-great-grandmother. And the best thing about her is she's cool as fuck. Her favorite activities are eating and sleeping. Dream girl city. Doesn't look a day over 110 either.
 
1) Susannah Mushatt Jones, 115, New York

Miss Susie turns 113
Hellloooooo, nurse! Mama sita! This is a bad bitch through and through. Just read this: "She's also said to have an affinity for lacy lingerie. "You can never get too old to wear fancy stuff." Oh FUCK YEA! Got a minxy 115 year old on our hands. I probably wouldn't be able to handle this feisty cat. She'd be pinning me down being like "SAY MY NAME BITCH!" She's not only the most bangable old person, she's the most bangable person of all time. Would not be the least bit shocked if she's related to 5 different presidents.