I got really excited when I saw the new Thrones teaser was out, mostly because I forgot the difference between a teaser and a trailer. A teaser is just that, a huge cock tease that doesn’t do much but give you entertainment blue balls. Trailers can do the same, but you are getting a little bit of loving below the belt because at least there is new material.
In this teaser we just get a glimpse of a bunch of old, albeit great scenes while hearing Bran and someone else (the dude in the tree with Bran?). Does anything really happen? No. But I’m fine with that. I don’t need new material to break down with The Challenge going on, the NFL being in the stretch run, the NBA in full swing, while shows like Fargo and South Park continuing to chug along in their seasons. Just a gentle reminder that Game of Thrones will be back in our lives soon is really all I need. But would it be too much to give a warning when you are going to show Ned or Robb Stark get killed? I don’t think anyone with a shred of humanity has gotten over those scenes yet.
As for the inevitable trailer that comes out in a few months, I have put together my list to Santa for what I want to see:
1. Tyrion and Varys acting sassy as fuck to each other as they discuss how to help Khaleesi
2. Jon Snow walking around clearly alive with Melisandre’s fine ass creeping behind
3. Arya NOT mopping floors or doing servant shit. I want her putting swords through necks and hearts
4. An unofficial promise that Ramsay Bolton will be murdered in the most painful way possible
5. Dragons. As much dragons as HBO will pay for in the trailer
6. The Zombie Mountain breaking people in half
7. Jorah as full-blown stone man. Those things were badass
8. Greyworm back at full health. I don’t want him Questionable or Probable for the next fight. I want him in Khaleesi’s starting lineup, ready to throw down
9. The White Walkers closer to The Wall or Westeros. Enough with that long ass march
10. A promise from Benioff and Weiss that Dorne won’t suck balls this season. To go from Oberyn as what we know about Dorne to whatever that bullshit was last season (except for those jail boobs which were A-OK) was just wrong.
Finally, I want a redband trailer with boob shots of every hot girl in the show. But I’m not holding my breath on that one.