If You Needed One Of These Players To Hit A Free Throw Or Else Your Girl Would Get To See Your Phone, Who Would You Pick?

A great, if not very difficult question right here. No matter who you pick, you are going to hold your breath the entire time. So I broke this down into a pretty basic scouting report on each guy.

1. Dwight Howard

Oddly couldn’t find a gif of Dwight shooting free throws during his Rockets days
First off we have Dwight Howard. A career 57.3% free throw shooter. The highest number of the four guys on the list. However, Dwight has one big flaw. He is the definition of a fuccboi who was casually shoved into a locker by Stan Van Gundy, when Dwight had to hem and haw near the end of their time in Orlando together. Don’t know if I can pick a guy who had the deer in the headlights look at the end of this interview.

2. Shaquille O’Neal

Second on the list is Shaquille O’Neal AKA The Big Aristotle AKA Shaq Nasty, yada, yada, yada. Shaq Fu was a 52.7% free throw shooter for his career and was obviously the prototype for the strategy and name Hack A Shaq. A couple things work in Shaq’s favor however. He is clearly the best player of the four, is the dominant personality/alpha male, and this is just a guess, but he probably has the biggest dick. So all those factors have me thinking Shaq is the clear favorite here. That being said, Shaq choked when the bright lights were on him as he took on a two-year-old in a free throw shooting contest on Kimmel, so maybe he’s not THAT clear of a favorite.

3. Ben Wallace

Third on the list is Big Ben Wallace, coming in as a 41.4% career free throw shooter. Wallace had the best hair of the four and pulled off the headband better than anyone this side of Darius Miles. He was intimidating as hell and was the powder keg that helped spark the Malice At The Palace. But he still sucked balls at free throws and wasn’t much of an offensive player during his career, so I am crossing off of my personal list.

But since I mentioned the Malice At The Palace, I obviously have to include the video in here. Maybe the number 1 “Remember where you were for it” sports moment of my life.  Plus the Turtle from Entourage doppelganger almost getting his head sent into orbit will never NOT make me laugh.

4. DeAndre Jordan

Lastly we have DeAndre Jordan, who wildly enough comes in as a 41.4% career free throw shooter just like Ben Wallace. I can’t trust the well-being of my relationship on a guy that flip flopped during free agency like he did over the summer. That’s weak-minded shit right there. Hell, he’d probably give your girl the phone and tell her about any incriminating photos/texts you had if Chris Paul told him to. So sorry, DeAndre, you are out in my book.

So my pick is clearly Shaq, The best player and coolest guy in the group. And like Stoolie @JonFrat said, if your girl broke up with you and threw you out of the house, Shaq would definitely party with you for five days straight and ensure you got laid by girls so hot, you didn’t even know they were from this planet.

But as always, this is a democratic process.  So I will ask the question again so you can make your answer below.