If You're 7'4 With a Massive Neck Tattoo, Maybe The Armed Robbery Profession Is Not For You

Smoking Gun – A 7’ 4” Michigan man who robbed a 7-Eleven store at knifepoint early Sunday later surrendered to police after apparently realizing that the ski mask he wore during the heist was not sufficient to cloak his towering identity.  According to police, Damon Matthews, 19, held up the Bay City convenience store around 3 AM and fled on foot with about $35 and several packs of Newport cigarettes. A 7-Eleven worker told cops that the robber brandished a butcher knife and repeatedly threatened to kill him if he did not cooperate. While the suspect wore a black ski mask, the employee told investigators that he believed the armed robber was Matthews, a former high school classmate. According to cops, Matthews told his sister that he had robbed the 7-Eleven, an admission that prompted her to advise him to immediately surrender to authorities. Matthews’s sister concluded that her brother’s connection to the robbery would be obvious due to his height.

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Score one for the short guys! Heyoooooo. So what if we get picked last for basketball, and so what if girls look the other way when we try to talk to them, at least we can hold up 7-11’s and not get caught like a stupid tall ass bitch. Boom, another perk of being under 6 feet tall. If it comes down to it, I can pack up my gun, put on a ski mask, and rob a convenience store for $35 without immediately being recognized. Meanwhile this fucking giraffe is trying to rob a store and they are like “Damon, c’mon man, we know it’s you”.

Being 7’4 is good for one thing and one thing only- playing basketball. If you’re 7’4 and not in the NBA you might as well kill yourself. Good luck ever being comfortable anywhere. Good luck in showers or on airplanes or trying to buy new clothes. Literally every part of life for a 7’4 guy not in the NBA sucks dick. People looking at you like you’re a zoo animal, wanting to take pictures with you, the whole 9 yards. The only perk is you can marry some tall amazonian looking woman and try to have tall ass kids. Besides that, life sucks and then you get a terrible neck tattoo and then you get arrested for stealing $35 at knife-point, and then you die.

PS: What’s amazing is 17% of 7 footers in the United States play in the NBA. 1 out of every 5. You always see all those stats about how improbable it is for a person to make it all the way to the pros…except if you’re 7 feet tall or more. Damon must have the worst coordination in the world. He must move like a baby deer on ice. There’s no other reason he isn’t at Duke right now.