Barstool’s Weekend Soccer Guide – The “Hey, There’s A Big Game In Spain” Edition
Barstool’s Weekend Soccer Guide
Hi haters,
I’M BACK! Who missed me? (Don’t all raise your hands at once.) Now maybe it’s just me, or maybe it was the shite games the USMNT had on its schedule, or maybe it was the surreality of some terrorist fuckmonkeys trying to bomb the France vs Germany game, but this international break seemed to last for an eternity and a half.
Thankfully though soccer is back – and back in a big way with some monumentally important games (most of which take place outside of the UK, but we’re equal opportunity fans around here, right?) so let’s get to it.
I’m back too, bishes
***********************************
ENGLISH PREMIER LEAGUE
A quick reminder of what happened however many months ago the EPL last played:
A smattering of news, notes and observations…
– Tottenham gets a lot of shit around here, and rightly so (much of it from me), but the fact the club has only lost once all season (a 0-1 defeat at United on an own goal) is perhaps not getting enough attention. Unfortunately though that means a second half collapse is becoming inevitable*.
– Speaking of one-loss clubs, two snaps and around the world for Lester. A raincloud just appeared on the horizon (more on that in a bit) but there’s probably a pundit or two that would have said they wouldn’t get many more than 25 points all damn season, yet here they are after just a third of the way through the season doing the damn thing.
– “I’ve run out of mean things to say about Chelski at this point. They just stink. The joke may be on us if/when Roman Abramovich sells a couple islands and buys Messi in the January transfer window, but for the time being there are only two certainties in this league: Chelsea will suck a fat one and Lester will concede first then comeback to win.” That’s what I said even before Chelsea’s most recent game in which they lost at Stoke. I don’t really have much to add other than if you are a Chelsea fan then (a) sucks to suck, bro and (b) the team did finally show some signs of life against a solid Stoke side. So there’s that. Which is nice.
– Aston Villa kinda sorta almost showed its first sign of life all season! Go on son!
A lot of other shit happened but I’ve been at weddings the last two weekend and am having trouble remembering much of anything at the moment, so let’s just move on. After 12 games that leaves the table looking like this:
As for the games coming up this weekend, here’s what is on deck…
***
PICKS OF THE WEEK
City (-160)
Liverpool (+450)
Draw (+310)
Game of the weekend is clearly going to be Der Klopps visiting the league leaders on Saturday in the prime midday NBC slot. There will inevitably be a hell of a lot of talk in the run up to the match about Raheem Sterling, in part because his head looks like a muffin-top and also because he essentially called Liverpool a piddly ass upper-mid-tier club when he laughed at their contract offer and headed east on the M62 to bask in the millions of petro-dollars that City was willing to throw at him – this despite the fact that Sterling’s finishing touch was already known to be somewhat in the Olivier Giroud/Danny Welbeck strata of pure awfulness.
But he fast doe!
As for this game, Liverpool has not exactly been clicking on all cylinders since Better Jurgen took over, including a 2-1 home loss last week, but the club is getting a bit healthier with the likes of Christian Benteke and (supposedly) Daniel Sturridge ready to go. Unfortunately they aren’t the only club that is getting some key pieces back though as Sergio Aguero will reportedly be in the starting XI for City, which immediately makes them about ten times as dangerous (though the absences of Vincent Kompany and David Silva will be noticeable). Klopp’s boys are going to make things difficult on the hosts, pinching in and tracking back while hoping to nick one on the counter, but this one has “Hi, I’m Sergio Aguero and I’m here to poop on your face” written all over it. City to win 3-1 (including a brace for Kün for those keeping score at home).
Pellegrini looking sharp af
****
Watford (+325)
United (-105)
Draw (+240)
As everybody knows, United has been having some trouble scoring goals, and now the Red Devils will be playing without all three of their strikers – Anthony Martial, Wayne Rooney and Marouane Fellaini – due to injury. On the one hand, this could be just the type of opportunity that Memphis [don’t-call-me-Depay] has been dying for after spending some time on the bench. On the other though (don’t tell Louis van Gall but), he’s not a striker. What’s more Watford striker Odion Ighalo is also doubtful, meaning that my **LOCK OF THE WEEK/CENTURY** is do yourself a favor and don’t wake up early to watch what is destined to be an incredibly ugly game. I’m going 0-0 draw because sometimes narratives actually play out.
[Note: not terribly confident in that pick… mostly mentioned it just to warn you not to set your alarm for it.]
***
Other games: Yet another London dærby for Tottenham (-175), though thankfully (for me anyway) this puppy is at White Hart Lane, which will likely be a big boost since Spurs haven’t lost there since 0-1 result against City on May 3. West Ham’s (+500) loss of Valencia and (especially) Payet to injury could prove critical. Spurs to win 2-1. Chelsea (-250) sucks. Norwich (+700) sucks more. The Blues’ defensive woes have been well documented, but this weekend they will have the pleasure of playing a club – one of the very few clubs in the league – that is demonstrably worse at stopping opponents from scoring. My head tells me I’m an idiot for saying this, but my head thinks this one could get ugly. Chelsea to win 4-2.
Jose’s O-shit-we-won face
[Note: Sneaky savage move by NBC showing the Chelsea/Norwich game on NBCSN, meaning that more eyeballs could potentially watch Jose Mourinho’s head explode if the Blues find a way to lose at home to lowly Norwich… also, picking Arsenal/West Ham for USA Network over Southampton/Stoke was obviously a business decision, but a poor one imho.]
Advertisement
*****************************************
BUNDESLIGA
As we speak I am watching Dortmund get run off the pitch by Hamburg, sooooooo yeah, say goodbye perhaps to that pipedream of somebody actually challenging Bayern for the league title this season.
But at least the returning champions/champions-elect have a solid opponent this week in Schalke, which should be a lot of fun to watch, right? Yep, it will be – ASSUMING YOU HAVE FOX SOCCER PLUS!
Weekly reminder of that FOX sucks donkey dick
*****************************************
EL CLASICO
Real Madrid (+145)
Barcelona (+175)
Draw (+265)
We’ve finally got our first “Big One” in Spain this season, and wouldn’t you know it the game will be Barcelona (top of the table) visiting Real Madrid (2nd place). The match was in danger of missing some of its biggest names a couple weeks ago as the likes of Leo Messi (injury), Ronaldo (injury), Gareth Bale (injury), James Rodriguez (injury) Sergio Ramos (injury) and Karim Benzema (dick pics). As you’ll notice, most of the doubts were on the Real side of the ball, which would have left the hosts severely shorthanded, but as it turns out almost all – no Benzema – are supposed to play.
Both clubs are likely to be a bit rusty coming into this one given all the players who have been missing time, and my guess is that Messi will start on the bench and only come on if he is needed in the second half. Even minus The God, however, there will be so much talent on the field that it is going to make your head spin.
Wait, what’s that you want a prediction just so you can pillory me later when it’s wrong? Fine. I’m normally more of a Barça guy but think Real will have enough firepower to pull it out. 3-2 win for the Madridistas in an entertaining shootout.
Hold me back, bro (but don’t touch the hair)
*****************************************
BEST OF THE REST
SERIE A: Milan sitting in sixth place at this point is probably not all that big of a surprise, in fact it’s not all that bad as the club is still working on pulling itself up by its bootstraps all over again, but how about Juventus sitting in seventh? (Saturday at 1:45pm CT on beIN Sports)
MLS: SEMI-FINALS! I know a lot of you probably haven’t been engrossed in the playoffs this season but I’ll be damned if it hasn’t been one of the more excited ones that I remember. Hard to imagine it not coming down to FC Dallas vs NY Red Bulls in the final but, as they say, that’s why they play the game.
“Hey, I’ve got a great idea! Let’s schedule our entire slate of playoff games so that they conflict with the World Series and America’s most popular sport at the moment, that way we can be sure to attract as few eyeballs as possible for our most important games of the season!” –someone in MLS HQ, apparently.
*****************************************
So there you have it: the best weekly soccer preview that Barstool will ever publish today. Check ya next week for some mo’ CHAMMMMPIONNNNNNS League.
Idiot
Holler,
Sam U.L. Army