Our Idiot Orioles Writer Is Trying To Tell Me He Doesn't Have An ATM Card And Has Never Used An ATM In His Life

I’m legitimately angry at the moment. Not “mad online,” not exaggerating for a blog, I’m actually fucking pissed off. This is without a doubt the dumbest goddamn thing I’ve ever heard in my life. Typically, on Fridays I get a lot of bullshit confessions. Just stupid things that aren’t remotely believable that I just ignore. But, RDT is sticking by this one. Swears it, even. I guess he owns snakes as pets too so maybe he’s actually just a psycho, I don’t know.

But all this tells me is that me and RDT would absolutely never be friends and that he’s never had a fun night in his entire life. It’s impossible. RDT doesn’t have a single good story to tell at cocktail parties. You know how they say “No good story starts with, ‘So I ordered a salad…'”? Well even less good stories start with, “So I went to the bank on Friday afternoon and wrote myself a check for a responsible amount of money to spend that weekend….”

You can’t go out, spend way too much, get way too drunk, do fucked up stuff and get out of control without an ATM card. You can’t end up at Foxwoods at 4 AM on a Saturday after you called the drug dealer to meet you at the bar. It’s impossible to drunk purchase a flight to Nashville the next morning at 11 AM. You can’t buy too many drinks for strangers because you’re worried about having enough cash for your hangover pizza. Can’t hit the strip club and think, “Ok one more lapdance and this girl is coming home with me.” Hell, you can’t even really get that drunk because you’re too busy balancing your budget so you can survive until the bank opens again on Monday.

Basically if this is actually true, and I have my doubts, then RDT isn’t even really a psycho. He’s just a loser who doesn’t have fun, wastes way too much time filling out checks and standing in bank lines, and really likes lollipops.