A Mommy Blogger Publicly Telling Her Husband Not To Use The Bathroom As A Mancave Is A Good Argument For Being Single

Scary Mommy – Dear Husband,

You’re a pretty awesome guy. If I didn’t think that, I wouldn’t have married you (because as you know, I have impeccable taste). But there’s something that we need to talk about.

It’s your bathroom habits. They stink, and I mean that on so many levels.

I understand that sometimes when you’ve gotta go, you’ve gotta go. But here’s the thing: I’m a little suspicious of your timing, like when we’re pulling into the driveway with a car full of groceries, and suddenly your bowels are incapable of keeping the turd brigade at bay a single moment longer. You rush inside to “drop the kids off at the pool,” and I’m left with a trunk-load of perishables to haul in and put away. Miraculously (cough), the same thing seems to happen at other inopportune moments as well, like when it’s time to herd the children through their bedtime routine, which you know is like putting squids in T-shirts, or when there are dirty dishes in the sink that you’ve promised to get to.

Husband, you may be number one at going number two on cue—or at least at feigning a state of lower-intestinal emergency—but your pooping is pissing me off. So, remember this:

1) Selfless pooping is a common courtesy.
2) The bathroom is not a man cave.
3) If you sit there long enough for your legs to go numb, you probably didn’t need to poop that badly to begin with.

Those are the three key points that I’m hoping you’ll glean from this letter.

In college it can seem so far away but when you get into your mid-to-late 20s, marriage comes at you really fast. The engagements hit in your mid-20s in most major coastal cities and it’s pretty much fine if you’re a guy because you’re hanging out and banging and life is good. But then the engagements turn to weddings after 26, 27 and all of a sudden that’s all every chick is in the game for. It would be great if you’re a guy who finds this amazing undeniable love and wants to get engaged at that age. For most of us, it’s probably a horrible idea. So you choose not to settle down as a guy…you have one weapon in your arsenal: The ol’ positive stereotype of “Chicks are so much more mature than guys!” So you can avoid those commitment-focused girls by continuing to go younger. Blow those relationships up over the course of months or years, there’s still tons of other 24 or 25-year-olds around the corner. But marriage spreads among your friends like a plague or, if we’re being less pessimistic, a dormant sexually transmitted disease. All of a sudden a few years pass and you go out to a bar night or an alum weekend and friends are going home at 11 because their wife is tired or the babysitter has to go home. It’s not cute to keep dating girls who don’t remember a time where Facebook didn’t exist. You have to settle down or be that weird dude who’s still single at 40 and wears lots of turtlenecks and probably jerks off incessantly.

And that’s how you end up here. I’m sure some guys luck out and end up in great, healthy relationships and everything is all romance, raising awesome little kids, and then having trips to Greece while an au pair watches them. But a lot of guys end up choosing a chick hastily out of fear of being the last one standing in Musical Chairs or because they think “every relationship is like this” when the signs are there that the girl they’re dating completely sucks. And then all of a sudden, you’re locked into a bathroom an hour a day squeezing out every last bit of waste inside of you while your wife buries you publicly on a blog in some passive aggressive letter and a bunch of other awful hens whose husbands hate them share it on Facebook saying “Mhrmmm my Charlie is just like that too! What’s he even doing in there lol!” Your dignity is now nothing more than a prop in the older married woman equivalent of chasing Instagram likes.

All I’m saying to all the guys out there is “Choose wisely.” One wrong or rushed decision and all of a sudden you’re the guy in the blog who can’t even take a shit without his wife bitching about it to the world, your life reduced to living out classic Louis CK bits:

(Guy who probably wishes he’d jerked off into a sock instead photo by Shutterstock)