Of Course Eagles Fans Were Rated As The 3rd Drunkest In The NFL

Um…yeah? Can you blame us? I know what everyone outside the Delaware Valley is predictably thinking: 0 SUPERBOWLS. WHAT LOSERS. THESE SCUMBAGS THREW SNOWBALLS AT SANTA 50 YEARS AGO. ALL OF THEM ARE COMPLETE DRUNKEN SAVAGES WHO DESERVE TO DIE. Seriously though, I tempt any winning fanbase to walk a mile in our shit. After a couple generations of not getting it done you’d hook 151 right up to your veins. Actually, you can’t fault anyone rounding out the top 4 on this list:

1. Buffalo – This team hasn’t done dick since the days of Jim Kelly, Andre Reed, and Thurman Thomas, and even then they were swimming in disappointment. If I were a Bills fan I’d have been consistently drunk since the Music City Miracle or whenever the fuck somebody thought JP Losman was a franchise QB. That on top of living in the Siberia of the NFL where you have to crank your car to warm it up and Applebees is considered a night out on the town. People have always been toasty, and shall always be.

2. Detroit – When your team is 1-7 and the white, windowless van in the parking lot has more value than the lot where your abandoned home used to reside, drinking is not only acceptable but encouraged. No harm, no foul here.

4. Cleveland – I can assume only reason this city isn’t above Philly is there’s simply not enough liquor to go around.

And props to Oakland fans for avoiding a guaranteed top 5 spot on the list by stabbing the person doing the study before they could get any results. Tough to get an accurate BAC reading when there is in fact Whiskey and Purple Drank flowing through the body in lieu of blood.