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Rating CareerBuilder's 10 Most Ridiculous Excuses for Missing Work

 

Excuses are like assholes. Everybody’s got ‘em, they all stink, and we make liberal use of them in the workplace. Here’s the 10 most ridiculous from CareerBuilder:

 

Employee claimed his grandmother poisoned him with ham.

Grandma Betty… With the pork roast… In the conservatory.

Excuse grade: 9/10. Gotta get this guy back in the office to tell the whole story. Is grandma going to the state pen or was this just a normal Thursday family dinner poisoning? Why ham? Let it be on record that if you’re going to kill me by poison, I’d like it to be with a quality steak. Preferably prime rib. “What’s in this au jus? Is it thyme? Oh that’s rat poison? And a hint of bleach… That’s fantastic”

 

 

Employee was stuck under the bed.

Fun fact. If you google “stuck under the bed” you find a shit-ton of porn involving step-moms getting banged by their step-sons after getting stuck under the bed. My excuse for missing work will now be that the guy in IT randomly gave me a thumbs up when I passed him in the hallway a few minutes ago. Really hoping that wasn’t search history related.

Excuse grade: 2/10. There’s no way you’re stuck-stuck. Suck it up, wiggle it around, and inch by inch you’ll get there. Trust me. I’ve done research.

 

Employee broke his arm reaching to grab a falling sandwich.

 

This is the kind of injury that actually happens and then you have to lie to make it sound cooler. When you’re too clumsy to maintain a grip on your sandwich and then you’re too fragile to catch it without shattering the bones in your hand, you lie about it to save face

Excuse grade: 3/10 Have the decency to tell me you broke your hand playing a sport or in some chick who’s been practicing her kegels

 

 

 

Employee said the universe was telling him to take a day off.

That’s soooo weird. My horoscope says hippies aren’t supposed to have jobs anyways. Isn’t that soooo aquarius?

Excuse grade: 1 pee soaked rug. But it really tied the room together

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Employee’s wife found out he was cheating. He had to spend the day retrieving his belongings from the dumpster.

Seems legit

Excuse grade:10/10 would bang again

 

Employee poked herself in the eye while combing her hair.

 

Look, long hair is a personal choice. If you need to handle a hot piece of metal to maintain it or lose a cornea keeping it straightened out, then that’s on you. Slap on an eye patch and sit at your desk like the dedicated swashbuckler you are.

Excuse grade: 0/10,000 hairs with split ends on your Nick Fury looking ass

 

 

Employee said his wife put all his underwear in the washer.

 

Don’t poop your pants, bro. I manage not to poop my pants almost every day of my life. Easily in the top 10th percentile for not shitting myself (humblebrag alert!). I don’t know that I can trust a guy who can’t trust himself not to poop his pants for 8 hours straight. Skidmark is a pretty sweet nickname though. Sounds like you ride a dirtbike.

Excuse grade: 3 dirtbike vrooms you hear getting coffee every time you pass the breakroom

 

 

Employee said the meal he cooked for a department potluck didn’t turn out well.

 

You know the only thing worse than people scavenging all your food you brought into the office? People eating none of the food that you brought into the office. It’s like cooking a meal for a dog who doesn’t want any part of it. Cube monkeys will eat ANYTHING. So if you screwed up so bad that there’s a shot nobody wants your food, the only acceptable move is to find the best local wing place and swap them out of the to-go boxes onto plates you brought from home. Old “guy who doesn’t want to give his co-workers food poisoning” trick.

Excuse grade: F-. Back to home-ec with ya

 

 

Employee was going to the beach because the doctor said she needed more vitamin D.

 

Same rule that I have for flat tires. Send me pics for proof

Excuse grade: *2 thumbs down!* “You know how else you can get the D you need? Also, here’s the number for HR”

 

Employee said her cat was stuck inside the dashboard of her car.

Cat in the dashboard, eh? Now you’re talking my language

Excuse grade: 1/50th cat found in the carburetor. 3/50ths of cat found in the windshield wiper fluid. How did it get in there?

 

 

Got any good workplace excuses you’ve heard or given? Send them to me on twitter @barstoolsobol or at barstoolsobol@gmail.com