Leonardo Dicaprio Engaged

Elle Magazine – Longtime bachelor, Leonardo DiCaprio is betrothed after a four-month romance with his model girlfriend, Kelly Rohrbach. Cue: the sound of our Tiger Beat collection being ripped to shreds as our Leo-loving hearts break.  According to OK! (which, you know, is a tabloid, so maybe there’s still hope for us), Leo asked Kelly, 25, to be his girl over an intimate Italian dinner in New York City.  “It wasn’t planned,” an insider explained. “It just happened. They were enjoying a bottle of red wine and engrossed in conversation as usual.” Kelly, who graduated from Georgetown University, is “incredibly smart,” adds the source. “She shares his passion for tackling social issues like global warming and world poverty. They connect on an intellectual level, which is new for him. She’s much more than a pretty face.”?

Congratulations, I guess? Most guys probably dont understand it. Most guys are probably thinking “You had a golden ticket Leonardo. And you just ripped it up.” Which is absolutely true. But heres the thing – say you did have a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonkas factory. No matter how much you love chocolate bars, eventually you get sick of them. Eventually you want to leave the Chocolate Factory. There’s only so much candy you can eat. Eventually, one day, as crazy as it sounds, the man that eats nothing but the best, most delicious chocolate will crave a vegetable. As bizarre as it seems to us – the people who dont have unlimited chocolate for life – that person will want to have some broccoli. And the normal people are like “What? No bro. Dont do this. You dont want broccoli. Broccoli is gross. Chocolate is the best. You have all the chocolate you want.” But the grass is always greener. Leonardo thinks its time for some veggies in his life and you dont really know what his body needs, now do you?

Now of course after about a year of vegetables, he’ll realize the mistake he made. Yea sure his body is a little healthier and he’s probably a better human than he was when he was just drowning in candy 24/7. But eventually he’ll realize his mistake and he’ll say “Fuck broccoli. I’m eating chocolate.”

The moral of the story here is: Don’t get married. Fuck broccoli.

PS – Another perfect analogy is like Jordan retiring from basketball to play baseball. MJ was like “Thats something I always envisioned myself doing when I was younger. I’ve already dominated this other life, let me go try that out.” And then after realizing he sucked at it, he went back to his bread and butter. Thats Leo. Always thought about being a husband. Being a dad. And he’ll eventually be like “Whoops I suck at this. Terrible idea. I’m gonna go back to being suffocated by model pussy on yachts all day every day.”