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A Guide For White Sox Fans On What To Do For The Cubs Playoff Run



In case you weren’t aware, I really, really hate the Cubs. There is no embellishment when I say this, but I hate the Cubs more than any one thing on earth. And it’s not each player individually – I’m on public record as saying I’d build a team around Anthony Rizzo over just about any other player in baseball. His leadership skills, toughness and all other things statistics don’t measure heighten him from a very good player to a franchise cornerstone in my opinion. I love Joe Maddon. I love the youth they are farming. I love how they composed a plan, stuck to it, and are now reaping the benefits of said plan. I love their stupid little neighborhood surrounding the stadium where you can get blackout drunk before a game. I just HATE the Cubs, and so do most true Sox fans. This whole paragraph made me want to puke.



My hatred for them is completely petty and low. I have extreme midget syndrome right now, being a diehard White Sox fan and watching what Theo and Co. have constructed from ground up, knowing the one team I truly care for is pretty much a bottom feeder, a tumbleweed blowing in the wind without any true identity or direction, at least none that I can see. All of this is even though we have a decently recent World Series Championship. So anytime any of you Cubs fans wanna give me shit for hating the Cubs, just know that I pretty much agree with anything you direct at me. You all just got Papa Doc’d.


I told a friend back in May or so that for whatever reason, I thought the Cubs were gonna win it all. There is no concrete reasoning behind why I think this is gonna happen, it’s just a gut instinct I have. This is the first time I’ve publicly admitted that, and it feels like a hot skewer to my stomach. So, with all of that said, what diehard Sox fans to do for the next month, assuming Arrieta breezes through the Pirates tonight? If the Cubs do win it all, Chicago will burn to the ground. I want no part of that whatsoever. It would be my own personal Hell. Fuck. The. Cubs.



Join the Bandwagon and Root For The Cubs


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As much as I hate to admit it, this is an option. That said, if you are a Sox fan and choose this option I hope you die slow. Like no joke I hope you become infected with Ebola and bleed out your eyeballs until you die. We all have to congregate in our impending misery together.



Focus All Attention On The Blackhawks And Act As If The Cubs Are Non-Existent


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Easier said than done, but we do have the option of acting like this never happened, although it will obviously be eating us up inside. I love basking in Cubs fans misery of having been a cellar dweller for over 100 years. It brings me so much joy. Yes, a Hawks championship would help quell Sox fans misery a bit, but that won’t be until next June at the earliest.



Go Into Extreme Hiding

I’m torn on this one. On one hand I really like alcohol and could end up saying “fuck it” and get hammered drunk on Clark just for getting hammered drunk’s sake. Alcohol makes any time a better time, dems da facts. But at the same time a million Cub fans gathering in the streets of Wrigley celebrating a World Series wouldn’t exactly be conducive to my mental and physical health. Moving to an igloo in Alaska doesn’t sound too bad an idea to me right about now. Just pack up, hit the road, never to be heard from again. Just live off the land and club some baby seals without a worry in the world. AKA I’ll probably just sit in my apartment and refresh twitter every 30 seconds because I’m addicted to my phone and drink Svedka straight from the fifth alone in misery.



The fact of the matter is I don’t have any idea how I’ll react to a Cubs World Series Championship. It’d be one thing if they won it but they were currently a Sox a strong, competitive organization, but they’re not. Yes, the Sox won it all in 2005 and snapped Chicago out of the 200+ season World Series drought. But with every passing year, with every signing of an Adam Dunn or Adam Laroche, and with every draft pick they’ve failed to develop, that season looks more and more like Kenny Williams pulled a horse shoe out of his ass and got lucky. I hate to admit it, but it’s true. Now the Cubs renaissance is only amplifying the misery we as Sox fans are currently experiencing as fans of a middling organization. The only, ONLY thing that can possibly make us feel better would be an early exit in this years’ playoffs and jab at their fans with a few ‘there’s always next years!’, until we inevitably have to do this again next October.


Go Pirates.