4th of July Collection | Now Available at the Barstool StoreSHOP HERE

Advertisement

If All 32 NFL Head Coaches Entered Into A Tournament Style Wrestling Competition Who Would Win?

Screen Shot 2015-10-01 at 8.09.11 AM

 

 

(Source) Raiders head coach Jack Del Rio and Bears coach John Fox know each other’s minds well enough to make this week’s game an interesting chess match. So Del Rio’s looking for another edge. Via Scott Bair of CSNBayArea.com, Del Rio has another method in mind for settling things with his old boss. “You want to beat the guys you know really bad. That’s just how it is,” Del Rio said. “I want to beat him real bad. He wants to beat me real bad. We’ll get our teams prepared and get after it.

I wish it could be him and I wrestling on the 50, but it won’t come to that. Foxy is pretty tough and he might still take me. In seriousness, it’s going to be our two teams going at each other. It should be a good battle.” Of course, Fox is also 60 years old and two years removed from heart surgery, so the former NFL linebacker Del Rio might have other reasons to want to settle it that way.

 

 

 

So you’re saying I get to spend my morning envisioning a Battle Royale of NFL Head Coaches? Yes please. Everyone knows I’m an NFL Head Coach guy. Backup Quarterbacks and NFL Head Coaches, I can’t explain why I love them so much but I do. I spend more time thinking about bad quarterbacks and coaches that don’t even coach my team than probably any person on earth, and I don’t regret it for a second. My favorite blog every single year is the NFL Head Coach’s picture blog.

 

Screen Shot 2015-10-01 at 10.49.46 AM

 

 

So without further ado, the first annual NFL Head Coach Hunger Games Bracket

Screen Shot 2015-10-01 at 10.49.03 AM

 

AFC East

Rex Ryan over Joe Philbin

 

I actually think Joe Philbin, like Jim Caldwell, is already dead. Rex basically just has to show up, dig a grave, and dump his weird looking body in there. Change your face Joe, it’s scaring all of us.

 

Screen Shot 2015-10-01 at 9.14.06 AM

 

Belichick over Bowles

I was THIS close to taking Bowles here because remember this is wrestling and strength but I can’t totally discount Belichick’s brains so he gets through the first round.

 

 

Second Round

Rex over Belichick

 

At some point brains and smarts only take you so far. At some point you have to have been in a few fights in your life. That’s Rex. Not to mention his leg tattoo says “I’m not afraid to lose a fight because I’ve already made the biggest regret in my life”

 

Screen Shot 2015-10-01 at 8.46.57 AM

 

Which is incredible because he also has the tattoo of his wife in a Sanchez jersey and it’s still not the worst one on his body.

 

 

Screen Shot 2015-10-01 at 12.11.30 PM

 

AFC South

Gus Bradley over Bill O’Brien

Guys with shaved heads and goatees that are not fat either sell meth, go on to be the best Jewish wrestlers of all time, or start biker gangs. Don’t fuck with those guys.

 

Screen Shot 2015-10-01 at 8.16.03 AM

 

Ken Whisenhunt over Chuck Pagano

Chuck shows up, immediately starts crying.

 

 

Not to mention Ken Whisenhunt’s face screams “I’m a dad with 4 daughters in high school/college and I spend every waking hour just looking to beat the fuck out of someone”

 

Screen Shot 2015-10-01 at 8.18.13 AM

 

Second Round

Whisenhunt over Gus Bradley

Tough second round matchup, both guys give off that military hard ass vibe. So what was the deciding factor? Well the fact that Ken Whisenhunt hired Todd Haley to run his offense in Arizona and anyone who hires Todd Haley to do anything has a couple of screws loose.

 

Screen Shot 2015-10-01 at 8.50.22 AM

 

NFC East

Coughlin over Gruden

NFC East is nerd city. This isn’t even about Coughlin, it’s about Jay Gruden being the Fredo of the Gruden family and soft as a marshmallow. Do a sit up for me once, Jay.

 

Screen Shot 2015-10-01 at 8.52.48 AM

 

 

Jason Garrett over Chip Kelly

 

I don’t trust gingers in fights, they have no rules or morals. Also Chip strikes me as the type of guy who doesn’t like to be touched or talked to or be around anyone or anything save for a spreadsheet with players he plans on trading for shittier players that suck at football.

 

“Uncle, I said Uncle Jason, STOP!”

 

Screen Shot 2015-10-01 at 8.23.12 AM

 

 

Second Round

Coughlin over Garrett

 

Coughlin is the 1 seed that sees his entire bracket blow up from upsets and shitty teams. Cakewalk to the Final 4 not because of his own skill but because the rest of his competition sucks.

 

 

 

NFC South

Ron Rivera over Lovie Smith

 

You don’t get the nickname Riverboat Ron for nothing and you don’t then try to change that nickname to “Analytical Ron” unless you’re a little fucked in the head.

 

Screen Shot 2015-10-01 at 8.56.25 AM

 

Fun Fact about Lovie that people may not know. In 1975 his Texas High School football team allowed 15 total points (11 shutouts) in a season. PF vs PA was 824-15. That’s incredible especially considering the fact that a Lovie offense hasn’t scored 824 point combined in the 40 years since.

 

 

Dan Quinn over Sean Payton

 

See Gus Bradley concerning bald goatee guys.

Screen Shot 2015-10-01 at 8.59.55 AM

 

 

Second Round

Dan Quinn over Ron Rivera

 

If you can listen to Pete Carroll talk about the science behind Jet Fuel and Steel Beams for 2 years straight then a little wrestling match with Analytical Ron is nothing.

 

 

 

AFC North

Mike Tomlin over Marvin Lewis

 

Marvin Lewis doesn’t get out of the first round, I know, shocking.

Screen Shot 2015-10-01 at 10.53.36 AM

 

John Harbaugh over Mike Pettine

 

Mike Pettine is currently in the running for dumbest coach in the NFL.

 

 

Hey Mike, nice prescription sunglasses, you borrow them from your grandmother?

Screen Shot 2015-10-01 at 12.28.39 PM

 

Second Round

 

John Harbaugh over Mike Tomlin

 

Name alone. It’s like when Duke or Alabama gets the benefit of the doubt in the polls. Sometimes name, and where you come from, and who you’ve been associated with gets you preferential treatment. That’s just the way the world works.

Advertisement

 

Screen Shot 2015-10-01 at 9.04.32 AM

 

Don’t be shocked if I don’t have Jim win this whole tournament from College, by the way. Like when the last man in the ring at Royal Rumble is someone no one expected.

Screen Shot 2015-10-01 at 12.29.49 PM

 

AFC West

Andy Reid over Jack Del Rio

You know when the NCAA tournament is announced and the selection committee will put two powerhouse schools against each other in the first round and everyone will be pissed? Well that’s how I feel with this match up. My heart wants me to go with leather jacket Jack

Screen Shot 2015-10-01 at 9.07.13 AM

 

But my head tells me that’s not happening.

 

 

 

 

Gary Kubiak over Mike McCoy

 

Sweet visor, nerd.

 

Screen Shot 2015-10-01 at 9.10.21 AM

 

 

Ever almost die on a football field because you love competing so much? That’s what I thought.

 

Screen Shot 2015-10-01 at 9.11.08 AM

 

 

Second Round

Andy Reid over Gary Kubiak

 

Andy sits on Gary, kills him once and for all.

 

Screen Shot 2015-10-01 at 9.13.15 AM

 

 

 

NFC North

Mike Zimmer over Jim Caldwell

 

Not sure when Mike Zimmer became a Jew (Zimmerman in the bracket) but it doesn’t matter, Jim Caldwell hasn’t had a pulse since 1968

Screen Shot 2015-10-01 at 12.31.06 PM

 

John Fox over Mike McCarthy

 

I’ll admit it, probably the only time the Bears will beat the Packers in the next 20 years. I mean look at this fat gooball.

Screen Shot 2015-10-01 at 10.19.41 AM

 

 

Second Round

 

If you don’t think I’m putting John Fox into the Elite Eight so that the Bears can finally get a couple wins this season, well then you don’t know me well. John Fox also is like a slightly younger Tom Coughlin. Old guy strength but not so old like Coughlin where you’re afraid he will die in the driveway next winter while shoveling snow.

 

Screen Shot 2015-10-01 at 10.23.52 AM

 

 

 

 

NFC West

 

Jeff Fisher over Pete Carroll

 

Come on.

 

*Low Deep Fart Noise*

Screen Shot 2015-10-01 at 10.26.36 AM

 

 

 

 

Jim Tomsula over Bruce Arians

 

Love Bruce Arians, and any white guy who willingly wears a Kangol in public and kind of sort of pulls it off is cool in my book, but Tomsula is an animal.

 

“Bruce, Bruce, what are you wearing?”

Screen Shot 2015-10-01 at 10.29.02 AM

 

 

“Cheeseballs by Tommy Cheeseballs”

 

Screen Shot 2015-10-01 at 10.29.29 AM

 

 

Second Round

Jim Tomsula over Jeff Fisher

 

What a battle. Two bad body guys committed to the mustache. If there was a way to have the winner of this fight legally adopt me even though I’m a grown adult, it would be my dream and honor.

 

 

 

Elite Eight

 

Screen Shot 2015-10-01 at 10.54.33 AM

 

 

Rex Ryan over Ken Whisenhunt

 

I randomly re-watched the Real Sports on Rex Ryan last night and I totally forgot that he almost got deported from Canada. I feel like getting deported from Canada has to be almost impossible. They just pat you on the back and ask you to be nicer, they don’t deport. So Rex has a mean streak, not to mention he’s #BillsMafia now, and #BillsMafia never loses, unless it’s the Super Bowl.

Screen Shot 2015-10-01 at 10.56.45 AM

 

 

 

Dan Quinn over Tom Coughlin

 

The run ends for the NFC East. All about age here, if Coughlin was Dan Quinn’s age I’d give him a chance. Just tough to get the red cheeks “I’m going to die” look out of my brain.

 

 

Screen Shot 2015-10-01 at 12.07.26 PM

 

 

 

John Harbaugh over Andy Reid

 

End of the line for the big man. At some point you meet a guy who wants to fight more than you, that’s when you throw on the Tommy Bahama, grab a Daiquiri and a plate of ribs and catch yourself a little afternoon nap.

Screen Shot 2015-10-01 at 12.08.52 PM

 

 

 

Jim Tomsula over John Fox

 

I can only be a homer for so long, this one is a route.

 

Screen Shot 2015-10-01 at 12.34.05 PM

 

 

Final Four

 

Screen Shot 2015-10-01 at 12.10.11 PM

 

 

 

 

Rex Ryan over Dan Quinn

 

I am not a smart man and I don’t pretend to be one. But here is something I am sure of, a guy that makes feet fucking videos online doesn’t lose in many fights, that just doesn’t happen. Rex easy.

Advertisement

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jim Tomsula over John Harbaugh

 

 

Your brother’s reputation can only get you so far in life, should have drank more milk, John.

 

 

Screen Shot 2015-10-01 at 12.16.44 PM

 

 

 

Finals

Jim Tomsula over Rex Ryan

 

Here’s what I know about Jim Tomsula.

 

He can’t speak

 

 

 

 

He looks like a frustrated mechanic who has been working on a 97 Honda Civic all day.

 

Screen Shot 2015-10-01 at 12.19.08 PM

 

 

He once lived in a car with a dog and a cat because he had no one to talk to.

 

Screen Shot 2015-10-01 at 12.20.14 PM

 

 

 

 

And he has that look, the look that if you fuck with him or try to get him to stop coaching football or even mess with him just a little bit, he’ll go to hell and back to make your life miserable. Jim Tomsula is a man’s man, Jim Tomsula has never lost a fight in his life.

 

 

Screen Shot 2015-10-01 at 12.21.59 PM

 

 

 

 

Screen Shot 2015-10-01 at 12.22.36 PM