So did you miss Eaten Alive last night? The show where the guy was supposed to get Eaten Alive by a snake on television? Well this is what you missed:
It was a 2 hour show. For 1 hour and 50 minutes, we followed this dude Paul and his rag-tag group of cronies around the Amazon as they looked for a snake that probably does’t exist. Paul has heard stories of a 40 foot Godzilla that lives there, and claims to have seen it, but it’s pretty similar to people who have seen the Lochness Monster or Big Foot. So they trek around the Amazon and are looking for this thing, ending up at the Floating Forest. What’s the Floating Forest? It’s an elevated lake where the trees grow from underwater and you kind of walk on the trees or some shit. It’s also pretty much the most dangerous place on Earth because it’s the breeding grounds for the most dangerous animals ever. No big deal, good thing they brought their flippers and scuba gear and were diving in there. Made a lot of sense.
So they trek around the Amazon looking for this Snake to eat Paul, meanwhile they encounter all these other wild animals and none of their reactions make sense. Wasp nest? They go nuts. Man eating spider? They pretty much try to adopt it. And for people who allegedly get paid to know shit about animals, they knew nothing about animals. At one point they break out a drone to get a birds-eye view and a guy in the crew asked Paul “what does a snake look like?” Good question, guy who is looking for a snake. Every time they think they see a snake, they freak out and someone pretty much jumps into Paul’s arms like he’s Shaggy and they’re Scooby. They game planned for literally nothing. One time they were walking through some lake and everyone was stung by electric eels and Paul was like “oh shit my bad, forgot to tell you guys about the electric eels”. They also built an anaconda trap out of sticks and stuck it in a random marsh. I wonder if they caught anything, they never updated us on that.
At one point they catch this 20 foot long Anaconda. They were rowing their row boats down the Amazon and Paul just jumps out of the boat and starts wrestling the thing. They other guys join him, while the two women stay in the boat and help by yelling things like “GRAB IT!” and “DON’T LET GO OF IT!”. Thanks, ladies. The chicks then celebrated like they won the Super Bowl when the guys caught it.
So fast forward to the end. They spend an hour and 50 minutes looking for this god damn snake to eat Paul and they don’t find it. So what do they do? Paul walks into a petting zoo and decides to get eaten by some bitch ass snake instead. It was insane. And that’s not even the biggest let-down. So he puts on this costume straight out of the Iron Man movies and lays down and lets this snake have it’s way with him. Snake starts wrapping him up, puts him in the Walls of Jericho, has him in Figure 4 leg locks, all the submission maneuvers. Paul is bitching the entire time, wahhh it’s squeezing my arm, wahhhhh my heart is beating fast. His broad is over there asking him how he’s feeling, it’s a whole big mess. And meanwhile this entire time, we are still expecting the snake to eat him, and all the snake wants to do is crush him to death. So finally, the snake decides to try and eat him, the fucking thing licks the GoPro on his helmet, and Paul taps out. He quit! The snake didn’t even take a nibble and Paul got the fuck out of there.
Paul is the biggest fraud on Earth. He promoted this shit for weeks about how he was inside of a snake
— Nate (@BarstoolNate) December 8, 2014
And the thing pretty much just hugged him for 5 minutes.
So to recap, he didn’t find the snake he was looking for and he was never eaten alive.
Besides that, the show was somewhat fascinating if you want to watch complete retards swim in man-eating snake infested waters with no plan or common sense.
PS: In 5th grade we watched a video about deforestation of the rain forrest and how people are chopping it down and how it won’t be around much longer. The teacher made us write a 1 word response on how the video made us feel. I wrote “boring”. She got PISSED. Made me stay after class and lectured me, and I was like “I dunno, it just wasn’t interesting.” Doubling down there was not the right call by me, by the way. Well fast forward almost 20 years and looks like the rain forrest is still alive and kicking. Checkmate.