Things I Learned About Myself When I Dressed Up As A Burrito (Taco) And Walked Around Chicago For An Entire Afternoon
So Friday. Friday was a day. In case you missed it, Pres and I, went to Wisconsin vs Michigan at the United Center dressed as a Taco (burrito) and a Pizza. It was one of those moments where I look back and say, Hey Big Cat, was that rock bottom? Was being a grown man in a Taco suit walking around the west side of Chicago with a fanny pack full of burritos rock bottom? Well yes and no. Yes because it clearly was. No because at least I learned a few things about myself. So here’s what I’m taking away from the experience.
I have pointy sideburns
I won the challenge. That felt great. Watching Pres eat popcorn was a top 5 moment of my life. Unfortunately it was followed up by DEVASTATING news. I have Pointy Sideburns. I didn’t even know those exist. I didn’t even know that was a thing. But it clearly is. And I have it in the worst way. Honestly disgusted with myself. Takes me from a 9.5/10 to about a 3. No one wants to fuck a guy with pointy sideburns. It’s disgusting. I’m disgusting.
People Don’t Recognize a Nice Car When They See it
You see that car. That’s a Toyota Avalon, the Lexus of the Toyota’s. Leather seats, power windows, 6 disc CD changer, a luxury sedan through and through. On Saturday some girl told me she drives a Camry, to which I replied, I used to drive a Camry, then my dad got a job. Was that arrogant of me? No. Because I drive an Avalon. Yet all Friday I didn’t get one compliment from Pres or Sales Guy about my car. Not a peep. Didn’t even ask me if it has a Hemi (it does by the way). It was shocking. It’s like they were standing in front of the Mona Lisa and all they could look at was a penny on the floor. I don’t know if this is how people act these days. just completely oblivious of nice things, but it was startling to say the least.
I refuse to be in a Rickshaw if it is driven by a man wearing a Phat Farm Sweatshirt
It’s like the old saying for chick’s, “once you go black you never go back”. Well same thing here. Once you are driven around by a 60 year old out of breath man rocking a Phat Farm sweatshirt, you never go back.
I’m addicted to Mariachi Music
I started listening to Mariachi Music to get in Burrito mode. Kind of like runners train in high altitude to get their lungs stronger. Well, I’m addicted now. I listen to it all the time. I think it may be the next wave in music. Barstool Blackout is old hat. Barstool Mexicana is the new hotness. Pres will have to hire DJ Pedro Juarez on the 1’s and 2’s (That made up Mexican name isn’t racist by the way, because Mexican people don’t have jobs outside of construction, so you know it’s not true).
Wearing a Fanny Pack full of Burritos is good when you’re in a Burrito eating competition, bad for everything else.
When I said all week I was in Machine Mode I meant it. Jean Fanny Packs full of burritos, no problem. Except when you eat a burrito that was sitting in your jean fanny pack for 6 hours. That was a problem.
Sneaking into Courtside seats dressed as a Taco, not easy
Hard to be inconspicuous when you’re dressed as a Taco. And for the record, I would have made it, but Pres got stopped at the entrance and tipped the usher off. She was smart, she knew, where there is a grown man dressed as a Pizza, there is a grown man dressed as taco not too far behind.
I know some people thought the popcorn was staged. I can swear to god it was not. What the video didn’t show was that I had been buying Pres food that he loves for the entire time he was in Chicago. On Thursday night I picked him up at Midway and had a Bagel and Cream Cheese and some Geneva cookies ready for him. On Friday I bought him a bagel and some Ice Cream. I knew he was close to cracking (he technically already cracked on Monday night) I just had to find a way to push him over the top. And that’s when I remembered his email from over a month ago.
Popcorn. His kryptonite. He was about to enter into a challenge where all he could eat was Pizza and the only thing he was worried about was Popcorn. That’s how you know a man has a problem.
So yeah, did I use some alternative tactics to win this challenge? Sure. But did everyone see Pres? He was on the cusp of Heart Attack Number 2. If anything I’m sort of a hero. That popcorn saved a man’s life. He should be thanking me.
Anyway, I’m happy its over. I could have eaten burritos forever. Make no mistake. I didn’t enjoy it, but I could have gone forever. Because that was the crux of this hypothetical in the first place. Its about longevity. Its a marathon not a sprint. Team Burrito for life. El Gato Grande Out.
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